Delores snorts, “If only Queen Bee-atch Alexandra had been so thoughtful. She called us twenty times at the hotel-freaking out about how we had to come home because Drew needed a suicide watch.”
I roll my eyes. “She’s exaggerating.”
“I thought so too. Until I saw the Dark Prince myself. Wasn’t pretty.”
I take the news like a newborn bird to a worm, greedy for more. “You saw Drew? What did he say? Did he ask about me?”
“He really wasn’t capable of coherent speech at the time. Mostly just mumbled like the village idiot he is. Jack was carrying him. Apparently Dickwad is making quite the dent in the bar scene these days, and Jack’s been watching his back. Which is frightening in and of itself, considering Jack is poised for the Slutman of the Year award.”
Drew has been going out. To the bars. With Jack O’Shay. You remember the last time Drew went out with Jack, don’t you? Taxi girl?
So this is how it feels to get stabbed with an ice pick-right in the heart.
Billy’s voice is sarcastic, drawing her fire away from me. “Hey, Delores, it’s good to see you too. I’m great, thanks for asking. The album? Doin’ awesome-triple platinum. California? Fabulous, couldn’t be happier. Again . . .” He cups his hands around his mouth, megaphone style, “. . . thanks for asking.”
Delores’s eyes zero in on him, looking him over head to toe. Not happy with what she sees. “It’s called a razor; you should get one. If ancient man could figure it out, you’ve got a slim chance. Oh-and Pearl Jam called. They want their flannel back.”
Billy’s brows go up. “You’re criticizing my style? Really, Cruella? How many puppies had to die so you could wear that coat?”
“Eat shit.”
“Cooking again, are you? I thought the health department banned you for life the last time you tried?”
Delores opens her mouth for a rebuttal, but nothing comes out. Her glossy lips stretch slowly into a smile. “I’ve missed you, Jackass.”
Billy winks. “Right back at you, cuz.”
He sits in the chair beside me and Delores collapses in the other one. “Okay, Lucy. Fuckin’ splain.”
I take a big breath. “I’m pregnant.”
At first, Delores doesn’t say a word. Then she makes the sign of the cross. “The Antichrist has spawned? For fuck’s sake, we have to hose you down with holy water or something. Have the Four Horsemen arrived yet?”
Kimberly comes back with a big glass of soda. She puts it down in front of Delores, then scurries away.
Delores takes a long sip. “So you’re unexpectedly knocked up-congratulations. Happens to the best of us. What’s the problem?”
I stare down at the table. “Drew doesn’t want the baby.”
As you already know, my best friend is not a fan of Drew’s. When it comes to him, she always assumes the worst. Always. So I expect her to be angry on my behalf. I expect her to go off on a magnificent tirade about man-whores and dogs and venereal diseases. I expect her to join me in another round of the naughty name-calling game.
But she doesn’t do any of those things.
Instead-she laughs.
“What are you talking about? Of course he wants the baby. Drew Evans not wanting a mini-him running around? That’s like saying Matthew doesn’t want a blow job when we’re stuck in traffic. Just ridiculous.”
Needless to say, I’m surprised. “Why do you think that?”
She shrugs. “A conversation we had once. Plus, he and Mackenzie-they’re like Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Tell me exactly what he said to you. Sometimes guys talk out their asses, and you have to wade through the shit to figure out what they really mean.”
“Oh, he was pretty clear. His exact words were ‘End it.’ And of course the stripper he was making out with at the time really drove the point home,” I say bitterly.
Delores points at me. And now she looks pissed. “That, I believe. Fucking prick.” She holds her hands up. “But it’s okay. Don’t panic. I’ll take care of everything. We have this new fuel at the lab that’s ready for animal testing. He won’t know what hit him-I can slip it right through the vents.”
She turns to Billy. “You’re in charge of the garden hose and duct tape.” Then she looks at me. “I’ll need your keys and security code.”
I shake my head. “Delores, you can’t gas Drew to death.”
“It might not kill him. If I had to guess, I’d say the odds for survival are fifty-fifty.”
“Delores . . .”
“Okay, thirty-seventy. But still, that gives us plausible deniability.”
My mother and George walk into the room, interrupting the diabolical plan. My mom hugs Dee Dee tight. “Hi, honey! It’s so good to see you. Are you hungry?”
“Starved.” She looks at George. “Hey George, how they hanging?”
I think George Reinhart is a little afraid of Delores.
Maybe more than a little.
He adjusts his glasses. “They’re . . . hanging well . . . thank you.”
My mother coos, “Look at the three of you. Here, all together again, just like old times.”
Delores grins. “Frightening, isn’t it?”
My mother takes George’s hand. “We’ll go cook you kids something for lunch.”
They leave, and Delores rubs her hands together like the mad scientist she is. “Now, back to the gas chamber . . .”
I cut her off. “Delores-I don’t think I’m going to have it.”
All traces of humor leave her face. She thinks for a moment. Looks thoughtful, but nonjudgmental. When she speaks, her voice is serious. But kind.
“I’ll support you a hundred and fifty percent, Kate; you know that. But because I know you, I’m gonna say this: If you decide to do this? Make sure it’s for you-because it’s what you want to do. If you’re doing it because you think it’s what Drew wants, or as some warped attempt to work things out with him? Don’t. You’ll just end up hating yourself for it-and resenting him.”
You can’t bullshit best friends. And sometimes that’s a double-edged sword-because it means they won’t let you bullshit yourself.
“I haven’t decided anything for sure. Not yet.”
Delores’s phone goes off in her purse, and the sound of Akon’s “Sexy Bitch” fills the air. While she digs into her bag, she asks Billy, “Could you bring my luggage up to Kate’s room? I’m gonna crash here tonight.”
“Do I look like a fucking bellboy?”
Delores doesn’t miss a beat. “No, you look like a homeless person. But I don’t have a windshield for you to spit on. So be a good little vagrant and take my bags upstairs-then maybe I’ll throw a dollar at you.”
With a grin, Billy goes to do it. Still, he complains, “This was so much more fun when she wasn’t here.”
Delores looks at her phone. “Ugg-it’s Matthew. I swear, that boy can’t take a shit without calling to tell me what color it is.” She walks through the back door to take the call outside.
And Billy looks at me. “Okay, I’m a guy-and even I thought that was gross.”
Can’t say I disagree with him.
Images
A few minutes later, Delores tears back into the room. Still on the phone and going off like a cherry bomb. “Of all the ignorant, balls-out shitty things to say . . . by the time I’m done with you, they’re going to have to reinstate your V card, buddy!”
She punches the OFF button on her cell much harder than necessary.
“Problem?”
“Yes. The problem is, people are what’s between your legs-which explains why my husband is behaving like a big, fat, uncircumcised dick!”
I cover my ears. “TMI Delores! T. M. I.” There are some things you just don’t want to know about your friend’s husband. “What happened?”
She huffs and sits down next to me. “Apparently, after I left for the airport this morning, Matthew went to check on Drew. The apartment was locked up like Fort Knox, but Matthew had that extra key. So he goes in and finds your ass-hat ex-boyfriend passed out wasted, on the bathroom floor. After he went all Left Eye Lopes, setting shit on fire in the bathtub.”
“What!?”
“Exactly. Matthew said if he hadn’t gone by when he did, the whole place could’ve gone up.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “What was he burning?”
Delores shrugs. “Matthew didn’t say.”
Yeah-but I bet it wasn’t any of Drew’s stuff going up in flames.
Bastard.
Delores goes on. “So Matthew got the pathetic excuse for a man sobered up. At first Drew didn’t want to talk, but Matthew kept at him. And eventually, he spilled like oil in the Gulf.”
My stomach clenches, “He . . . he . . . told Matthew about the baby?”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.