He snorts. “This is my first one. Kate and me . . . we’ve been together forever-since we were fifteen. She’s been my first everything. I thought she’d be my last everything too. My only.”
I just nod and let him talk.
“But the last few years . . . it feels like we’ve just been holding each other back, you know? I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her . . . but it’s not the same. It’s not enough. We don’t . . . fit . . . anymore.”
Sympathetically, I tell him, “That happens-a lot. People change.”
He nods too. “Yeah.” He takes another swig of beer. “Still fucking blows chunks though.”
“It gets better.”
We sit silently for a few minutes-our heart-to-heart time over.
So I pick up the remote and pull up the on-demand movies. “You want to watch Predator?”
Billy pours himself another shot. “Sure. Never seen it.”
I grin. “It’ll change your life.”
Images
A few hours before sunrise, Delores comes walking back into her apartment. I’m half asleep on the well-used recliner while Billy’s passed out cold on the couch.
The vodka bottle sits empty on the coffee table-its purpose fulfilled.
Dee kicks off her shoes with a sigh. Then she sees me. And she’s surprised. “You’re still here?”
“Am I not supposed to be?”
“No, no, it’s fine.”
She covers her cousin with the throw blanket, brushing his hair back tenderly, like a mother with a feverish toddler. Then, she walks past me into her bedroom. I get up and follow her.
“How’s Kate?”
Delores takes off the outfit she’s still wearing from the party-letting the clothes fall off her to the floor. Leaving them there. Revealing tiny leopard print panties and a matching strapless bra.
“Kate’s a mess. She’s hurt . . . Billy said some messed-up stuff during their argument. Harsh shit. And she feels guilty. Billy worked his ass off to support Katie while she was in school. She hates herself, now that she won’t be able to return the favor.”
Dee keeps her back to me when she removes her bra, only turning around after she slips a red Phillies T-shirt over her head.
“Thank you for staying with him, Matthew.”
“Of course.”
She sighs, but her shoulders are stiff. “I’m really tired.”
I start to unbutton my shirt, to join Dee in bed. I’m not looking to get laid-although with the amount her cousin drank tonight, I don’t think even a full-fledged fuck fest would wake him up. But I’m not expecting what Dee says next.
“You can go now.”
My fingers freeze on the buttons. “What?”
“I said, thank you, I’m tired-you can go.” And her eyes are flat, her face taught-like a mannequin in a department store.
I step toward her, trying to make it past her attitude.
“Dee, I know you’re upset . . .”
“Or maybe I just don’t want you here, Matthew!” she lashes out. “Maybe I just want to be alone.”
And, yes-in case you’re wondering-this is my pissed-off face. Jaw clenched, lips tight, eyes alive with adrenaline. I’m angry at her words-her outlook-her stubborn fucking inability to look at me and our relationship without the black cloud of her past hanging over it.
“You don’t want to be alone-you’re just fucking scared. You see Kate and your cousin and you don’t want to feel what they’re feeling . . .”
She claps her hands slowly. Sarcastically.
“Brilliant deduction, Watson. Forget Chippendales-if banking doesn’t work out, it sounds like you want to be a therapist.”
I push a hand through my hair, trying to rein in the frustration that makes me want to put my hand through her bedroom wall.
“This pushing me away shit is getting really fucking old, Delores.”
“Well there’s the door.” She points at it. “Why don’t you go find yourself something brand spanking new.”
My voice is low-but fuming. “Good idea. I’ll do that.”
Then I turn around and walk out of the goddamn room.
I make it all the way to the living room-my hand on the apartment door-before I stop. Because this is exactly what she’s expecting. For me to give up. On her.
On us.
Dee would rather hit first and then throw in the towel than risk getting sucker punched later on.
I know this. As well as I know the last thing she really wants is for me to leave.
To leave her alone.
My hand drops from the door and I walk purposefully back into her bedroom. She sits ramrod straight on the edge of her bed, facing away from me.
“I’m not leaving. You want to yell? You can yell at me. Feel like hitting something? I can take a punch. Or, we don’t have to talk at all. But . . . I’m not going anywhere.”
I sit on the bed and take off my shoes-the rest of my clothes quickly follow. Dee slides under the covers, then switches off the lamp, but the room doesn’t plunge into total darkness. There’s just enough light from the window to make out her silhouette-on her back, staring up at the ceiling. Boxers on, I climb under the covers next to her. And as soon as my head is on the pillow, she moves closer, turning on her side and resting her forehead against my bicep.
“I’m glad you didn’t go.”
I wrap my arm around her, pulling our bodies together-her cheek now on my chest, her hand on my stomach, our legs entwined. Delores whispers, “What am I supposed to do tomorrow? It’s Thanksgiving. Kate, Billy, and I were going to spend the day together-go out for steak.”
My brow wrinkles. “Steak?”
I feel her shrug. “Everybody eats turkey. I hate doing what everyone else does.”
And I can’t help but smile.
“I can’t choose between them,” she continues. “This is going to be hard enough-I don’t want either of them to feel lonely.” Dee lifts her head and looks into my eyes. “If Steven and Alexandra broke up, who would you pick to spend the day with?”
I stroke her back lightly and answer in the most unhelpful way possible.
“I don’t know.”
She lies back down on my chest. And I add, “You don’t have to choose. You could blow them both off equally and come to Drew’s parents’ place with me for dinner.”
She snorts. “No, I can’t do that.”
I didn’t actually think she’d go for it.
I suggest an alternative. “Your cousin is going to be sleeping it off for many hours to come. And when he does wake up, I can guarantee he’s not gonna want to eat steak. Leave Billy a note, meet up with Kate for brunch, spend the afternoon with her, then take him out for a late dinner.”
“But they’ll both still be alone, for part of the day at least.”
“They’re adults, Dee. They’ll deal. And who knows, maybe tomorrow they’ll patch things up.”
“I don’t think so,” she says softly. “It’s probably for the best if they don’t.”
“That’s pretty much what your cousin said too.”
She kisses my chest lightly-one sweet peck. “It’s just . . . sad. The end of an era.”
I squeeze her. Dee tilts her head back to look at me. “Matthew, these last few weeks with you and me . . . I . . .” She pauses and licks her lips. “I . . . I’m really glad you stayed tonight.”
“Me too.”
After a few minutes, her breathing turns steady and deep. I think she’s fallen asleep, until, in a small voice she says, “Just . . . don’t hurt me . . . okay.”
I run my hand through her hair and hold her tight. “Not ever, Delores. Promise.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.