Steven laughs. “See, that’s what I mean. These subliminal messages are tickling my gaydar.” He holds his finger out, pointing to each guy in the room. “Beep. Beep. Beep . . .” Then he points at Matthew. “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.”
Billy and Jack crack up, and Steven gives them a high five. Matthew makes the jerk-off sign with his hand. Which doesn’t help his case much.
Kate brings us back on topic. “This is really a problem for you?”
I nod. “Absolutely. It’ll taint my memory of the entire weekend.”
She sighs. And turns toward Delores. “Switch my appointment.”
Dee-Dee looks appalled. “You’re not serious?” She throws her hands up in the air. “And so it begins. You’re not even married yet, and he’s already controlling you-dictating what you can and can’t do.”
I jump to Kate’s defense. “She’s respecting my goddamn feelings. That’s how a mature, healthy relationship works. You should try it sometime.”
“I’m extremely considerate of Matthew’s feelings!”
Kate jumps in. “Dee, we’re here to have fun, not torture my fiancé.”
Dee-Dee pouts. “But torturing him is my idea of fun. Party pooper.” Still, she grabs the phone and calls the spa.
Kate nestles into my side, resting her head on my shoulder. I pull her closer and kiss the top her head. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
I grin. “When you get back from your primping, I want some of that Kate time you owe me.”
She lifts her head and whispers, “Does this, by chance, involve finishing what we started on the plane?”
I nod slowly. “It does-and I guarantee it will be a spectacular finish.”
“It always is.” She leans forward, kissing me playfully, her tongue grazing and teasing.
When she pulls back, I lick my bottom lip, savoring the taste of her. “Bet your ass it is.”
Warren interrupts our flirtatious moment. “So, before we split up, does anybody wanna like . . . get high?”
I’m not a big fan of drugs, even the recreational kind. With alcohol, you can pace yourself-have a drink or two, then slow down and enjoy the buzz. Or you can go full throttle and down five quick shots. In either case, there’s control over how shitfaced you want to be.
But drugs are like a train without a conductor. Once you’re on, you’re going for a ride-no slowing down, no getting off if you change your mind. Dee-Dee doesn’t share my sentiments. No surprise there.
She sits next to her cousin on arm of the couch. “Thank God-I thought you’d never ask.”
Warren reaches into his pocket and pulls out a clear baggie that contains a few prerolled joints, some loose marijuana, and a small, brightly colored bowl pipe.
Erin asks, “Where’d you get that from?”
“I brought it from New York.” His brow furrows as he clarifies, “Well, technically, I brought it from California to New York, and then here. It’s good shit-high-level medical grade. The janitor at my music studio has glaucoma.”
“But how did you get it past airport security?” my sister questions.
Warren explains proudly, “I keep it in my boxer briefs. That way, if I get picked for one of those scanner things, it just looks like the downstairs dreadlocks need a trim.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Now there’s a backup plan. If the music career tanks, you can always become a drug mule.” Drug smugglers have an extremely high rate of early, violent death. Awesome.
Warren passes Dee-Dee a joint and she lights up. Matthew makes his way over. “I could go for a hit of herb.”
Erin is hesitant. “I’ve never smoked marijuana before.”
Warren tries to be reassuring. “Then you’ve come to the right place. We’re all friends in the dope show.”
She still looks nervous, so I tell her, “Just say no, Erin. Only losers get high.” I point my thumb at Warren. “You really want to end up like Exhibit A over there?”
Delores holds her hands up like claws. “Peer pressure! Come on, Erin-you have to try it at least once. Live a little, girlfriend.”
“And that would be Exhibit B.”
Erin takes a big breath and looks at me with wide, approval-seeking eyes. “I think I’m gonna try it. I mean . . . sometimes you just have to say, ‘What the fuck?’ . . . right, Drew?”
You can’t argue with a Risky Business quote. I shrug my shoulders in surrender, and Erin joins the rest of the stoners.
Jack’s not interested. “No thanks, man. I’m all about keeping the toxins out of my system these days.”
Alexandra declines as well, with a wave of her hand. Steven, however, says, “Sure, why not? I’ll relive my misspent youth.”
Alexandra snaps, “What do you mean relive? You’re a man-you’re still living your misspent youth.”
My brother-in-law holds out his hand to Warren. “Make mine a double.”
Warren passes Steven a full bowl and a lighter, while Matthew offers Kate the joint. She shakes her head. “Maybe later.”
I walk across the room, open a window, and turn on the ceiling fan.
Warren asks, “What about you, Evans? You down?”
I snort. “Like I’d ever put something in my mouth that hitched a ride next to your sweaty balls. I’d rather kiss a jungle elephant’s ass.”
Warren takes a long drag, and puffs of smoke escape his lips as he mocks me. “Narc.”
I deadpan, “Yeah, that’s me. On my off days I hang out with Johnny Depp down at 21 Jump Street.”
Already feeling the effects of the high, Matthew giggles. And announces to the whole room, “Nah, Andrew’s cool. But him and Mary Jane don’t get along. He tried her once in college. It didn’t work out.”
Kate leans forward. “I’ve never heard that story.”
“It wasn’t exactly one of my finer moments.”
Matthew laughs louder. “He took four hits, then started running around the house locking all the doors and windows. He thought his old man was gonna show up, or the SWAT team was gonna drop out of the sky. Then he had a panic attack.”
“I did not have a frigging panic attack.”
Matthew’s eyes meet mine. “Dude, I thought I was gonna have to haul your ass to the emergency room. You looked like you were going into cardiac fucking arrest.”
Everyone has a good chuckle at my expense-even Kate.
Warren nods his head happily. “Evans can’t handle the weed. Good to know. Now, if I ever want to mess with you, I know just how to do it.”
Friends are supposed to rag on each other. It’s one of the benefits of knowing everything about a person-all their accomplishments, all their embarrassing, dirty little secrets.
But that’s a hammer that swings both ways.
“Keep on walking down memory lane, Matthew. There’s a few potholes I could dig up on you too.”
He spreads his arms wide. “I’m an open book.”
I smile devilishly. “You sure about that?”
“Bring it, chump.”
I turn toward his wife. “Hey, Dee, Matthew ever tell you about the time he was so trashed, he pissed in Kelly Macallister’s mouth while she was giving him a blow job?”
Matthew sobers immediately.
Steven doubles over laughing.
“Ewwww,” Erin squeals. “That’s so gross.”
“That’s how he got his nickname in our fraternity-Golden Shower Fisher.”
Alexandra looks both sickened and amused.
Jack snorts, “Nasty.”
Kate grimaces and covers her ears.
Delores laughs at first, then turns to her husband and confesses, “I’m ruined. I’ll never be able to suck you off again without thinking of that story.”
Matthew glares at me good-naturedly, “You’re a dickwad, man.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.