I didn’t think he was going to answer me, or even acknowledge my apology, back to the distant Cael he’d been since we arrived. I wouldn’t blame him. I had never spoken to anyone so badly in my entire life. He was only trying to help me, and I threw that act of care right back in his face.
I left my apology floating in the stagnant air around us, allowing the sound of the rain to fill the uncomfortable, awkward silence. Without taking his eyes off the lake, he said, “You sound beautiful when you laugh.”
My sunken heart jumped back into my chest and began to pound at the unexpected utterance of those six words. Cael moved to the edge of the jetty, and sat down, letting the cold breeze kiss his face. It didn’t go unnoticed that he had left a spot for me beside him, an unspoken invitation for me to sit down too.
Clutching my journal, I did just that.
“Cael—” I went to apologize again, when he said, “I’m sorry about your sister.”
Just the mention of Poppy closed my throat. “Thank you,” I rasped out. I wondered if he would push anymore. But he didn’t. I traced Poppy’s handwriting on the cover of the notebook. I could just picture her in her window seat in her bedroom writing this. Even with all that she had been fighting, she had still thought of me.
“She was called Poppy,” I found myself sharing. I thought I’d be shocked that I’d spoken her name out loud. But I’d found that when it came to Cael, some deep part of me knew he was safe. Cael sighed and crossed his legs, resting his elbows on his knees. He was giving me the space and time I needed to speak.
I blinked away tears. “She had cancer.” I held the journal to my chest. I tried to fool myself that it was like receiving a hug of support from my sister herself. “She died just under four years ago after a long and tiring battle.”
Cael’s head bowed, almost like he was in prayer. I cleared my throat of its tightness and said, “She was my rock. My ship’s anchor, and I’ve been unmoored ever since.”
Minutes passed in complete stillness. I stared at the snow on the distant peaks. I’d never seen snow fall. I’d hoped I would see it here, but the English winter had only graced us with gray skies and endless rain. The notebook slipped from my lap as I adjusted my legs and landed in front of Cael. I realized that the rain had begun to slow, and then a large cloud cleared, and the sun came back out to cast its golden rays all around us.
A familiar halo over the lake.
I went to reach for the notebook, but Cael was already holding it out for me. A slither of sunlight had escaped through the wooden panels in the jetty walls and was spotlighting Cael’s outstretched hand … like Poppy was reaching out to him too.
I placed my hand on his and lowered it back to his knee. Cael frowned in confusion. “Poppy left this notebook for me,” I explained. “Today was the first time in almost four years that I’ve been able to open it.” His eyes widened. “I’ve only read the first page. That’s what I had just read when you found me.” Sympathy engulfed his face.
“Here,” he rasped, and held out the notebook again, like it was made from glass, and he was afraid it would break in his hands. That sunbeam landed on his hand again. And I felt it. Felt Poppy guiding me to share this … to share my pain.
“Read it,” I said, and Cael’s face paled. He began to shake his head no. I placed my hand on his again and turned the cover to reveal Poppy’s first entry to me. “Please,” I said, then added, “It would be nice for someone here to know her too.”
I saw stark fear in Cael’s expression at my request. But whatever he saw in mine made him look down and begin to read. I closed my eyes, and tipped my head back, letting the cool breeze run through my rain-dampened hair. I let a small smile grace my lips when I smelled a familiar hint of snow and sea salt … then what appeared to be vanilla.
There was only one person I knew who smelled like that.
The feeling of a hand covering my own broke me from my peace. I opened my eyes and looked down at those hands, only for Cael to turn them over. He threaded his fingers through mine, grasping hard. He had placed the notebook down on the ground.
Butterfly wings fluttered in my chest. More so when I saw his free hand protectively covering Poppy’s beautifully handwritten script. “He killed himself,” Cael said, barely loud enough for my ears to detect. But I heard it. I heard it, and although it was an almost silent confession, it was as effective as a scream in a large cave, echoing off the walls and slicing through my heart.
Cael’s grip tightened even more in mine.
“Cael—“
“My big brother. Cillian. He … I—” He shook his head, cutting off his shaking voice, unable to carry on. “I’m sorry, Sav. I can’t—I can’t talk—“
My soul ached at that news. My heart screamed in pain. I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t imagine losing Poppy or Ida in such a tragic way. I wouldn’t be able to bear it. How did you ever move on from a loss like that?
Cael … No wonder he was so lost and alone.
I brought our joined hands to my lips and kissed the back of his hand. Kissed the opaque broken-heart tattoo that was etched into his skin in thick black ink. He couldn’t finish what he was trying to say. Couldn’t bring himself to say those words aloud.
“I’m sorry,” I said in return, my words not capturing the level of sympathy I felt for him. Expelling any shyness into the open air, I inched closer to Cael and placed my head on his broad shoulder. His body was taut and tense as I did so. But then he exhaled a long, labored breath and laid his head against mine.
We sat, joined, watching in silence as the sunlight glittered off the lake. I had never had this. Had someone share in my pain and be so open about theirs with me. But my stomach fell when I thought of what he’d told me. His older brother had taken his life. That’s why Cael was so angry. So broken inside. That’s why—
“She loved you,” Cael said, interrupting my racing mind. His minty breath dusted over my cheek. He moved his head a fraction, and his lips ghosted over my hair. I closed my eyes and let the feel of his intimate comfort embrace me. “She loved you so much.”
“She did,” I whispered, not wanting to pierce the fragile bubble of peace we had created. I opened my eyes and watched a bird of prey circle above one of the lake’s many small islands. “I miss her more than I can say.”
“I miss him too,” Cael finally said, and I felt just how much that was by the way he melted into my side, like he was seeking any form of human contact, a safety net from a great fall that admission had caused. I wondered how long he had been walking alone, shunning any support from the world. I moved closer to him again, so close there wasn’t even an inch of air between us.
Two broken pieces searching for a way to feel whole.
“She left you an entire notebook,” Cael said. He paused, then quietly confided, “I was left seven rushed words on an old, discarded hockey game ticket.”
My soul shattered for him. Poppy’s passing had destroyed me. But I had answers as to why she had died. I was under no doubt that she adored me; she’d made sure to tell me often enough. I had gotten to say my goodbye, even if that goodbye had ultimately been my undoing.
Cael … He had been robbed of that vital moment.
I heard his breathing starting to hitch, and I was sure I felt a tear fall from his cheek and hit the side of my face. But I didn’t want to disturb this moment. I knew it was poignant to him.
It was for me too.
Sitting in silence, we watched the winter sun begin to ebb and darkness cloak the top of the peaks, chasing down the hills and spreading out onto the lake before us. Stars tried to peek through the overcast sky, and the moon hid its glow behind thick unrelenting clouds.
I shivered, the lowering sun taking away any heat from the winter’s day and plunging the night into bitter coldness. Cael must have noticed, because he turned his head, lips grazing my ear and said, “We’d better get inside.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.