I nodded but didn’t move for a few moments, not wanting to break from this pleasant numbness we had slipped into. But when a gust of arctic wind found its way into the jetty, we had no choice.
Straightening, I reluctantly released Cael’s hand and got to my feet. Cael followed suit, picked up Poppy’s notebook then handed it back to me. I met his eyes then. The first time since we had sat down and spilled our mutual heartaches.
There was something new in his stare. Like he was seeing me differently. I certainly was him. Gone was the unapproachable boy from just outside of Boston. And in his place was Cael Woods, a broken boy who was mourning the tragic death of his big brother. Despite how different we were on the surface, underneath it all, we were kindred souls.
Cael slipped his hand through mine again, and the chill that had taken us under siege was fought back by a striking sword of warmth. Cael led the way from the jetty and toward the hostel. The frosty ground crisped underfoot. I looked up to the sky and the dark clouds that impeded the view of the stars.
I walked as lonely as a cloud … Wordsworth’s poem came to my head. As we entered the hostel and separated reluctantly at the top of stairs to go to our respective rooms, I realized that maybe I wasn’t as lonely as I believed I was.
And neither was he.
I couldn’t help but recall how he’d been when I’d shouted at him. My fury … it hadn’t offended him—it had called to him. In that moment, I’d been a living reflection of how he felt inside. I’d burned with grief like he’d burned.
He’d seen me, and in depths of my despair, I had understood him too. And he had calmed. He’d confided in me.
Cael … He was suffering so badly …
After I showered, I climbed into bed. Curiosity won out; I took hold of my cell phone and searched the internet for Cael’s name. Hundreds and hundreds of hits appeared. The first picture shown was from a couple of years ago, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was dressed in hockey gear. But he was free of tattoos, free of piercings … free of grief. His wide, infectious smile was breathtaking. But what made my chest tighten to the point of snapping was the person beside him, the one with his arm wrapped proudly around him.
Cillian.
I ran my finger over Cael’s boyish, carefree face. Then I froze when I read the caption.
The Future of Hockey. Harvard’s star center, Cillian Woods, with younger brother Cael.
Harvard.
The next story made my heart fall further.
Cael Woods heading for Harvard! The Woods Brothers go Crimson!
The article explained that Cillian had gone to Harvard. Cael had signed on to go too. Cael was a year older than me.
Harvard … That was why he’d brought us in from the lake that day. I’d told him I was going too … but he’d clearly not gone. It didn’t take a genius to understand why.
A sense of something bigger than me danced above my head. I wasn’t one to believe in something unworldly, but I couldn’t deny the serendipitous nature of our meeting. There was something about Cael Woods that had called to me from the moment I saw him. Drew me to him like a moth to a flame.
Made me want to protect him and help carry the weight of his broken heart.
With an aching soul, I turned off my cell phone, already feeling guilty about encroaching on his life this way. I shouldn’t have done it. But I couldn’t shed the image of his carefree smile from his face. Couldn’t stop thinking of Cillian with his arm around Cael, smiling at his younger brother like the proudest sibling in the world. I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to him to believe that death was his only way out of whatever plagued him. I wondered if Cael even knew.
I brought the phone to my chest, like I could embrace young Cael through the screen. Hold him before his world was blown apart. My head was a tornado of thoughts, haphazardly lapping around one another. Poppy’s face came to my mind. Right now, I would have talked to her. She would have known what to say.
Then I felt my hands itch with the need to tell her somehow. I placed my phone on the table beside me and picked up the journal we had been given by Mia and Leo. Opening the page, I did just that—I let myself confide in my big sister like I always had …
My Dearest Poppy, I began, and for once I didn’t fight back the grief that I had been holding off for way too long.
I read your first entry today. I blinked away tears but held strong.
I miss you so much. Hearing from you after so long was like visiting heaven itself, only to be told I had been there too long, and it was time to go home. I thought of my day. Then thought of Cael and me on the jetty.
I’m not doing well, Pops. I’ve been sent on a trip to help me cope with your loss. I didn’t think it would help. I brought the bottom of the pen to my lips while I thought of what to say next, then began writing again.
But I have met a boy. His name is Cael …
And I wrote to my sister. Wrote to her like no time had passed. Like she was simply in another place in the world, remote and unable to answer my calls. Alive and well and waiting for my letters to reach her.
And when I put down the pen, there was a new ease to my breathing. The weight I constantly carried on my sternum was a fraction lighter. Placing my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes and tried to chase sleep. But then Cael’s face came into my head and my heart squeezed again as I replayed his confession. Cillian. His brother was named Cillian Woods. I wanted to make sure I never forgot it. He deserved to be remembered.
I thought about Cael’s cracked voice, the kiss to my hair, his cheek against my head. And I ran my fingers over the hand that he had held so tightly while shedding his deepest trauma.
It still felt warm.
Shared Secrets and Farewell Skies
Cael
STEPHAN:
Your mom said you’re away. Just checking in. Miss you, man.
ISTARED AT S
TEPHAN’S MESSAGE, THEN LEFT IT ON READ AND MUTED MY cell. His unanswered messages were now in their hundreds, and I had ignored every one of them. The truth was, I couldn’t face my best friend. I couldn’t face my parents. They’d texted me constantly since being here, and I had ignored every single one. Their calls too. I left it to Mia and Leo to tell them I was safe.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.