I glanced down at Savannah and saw nervousness wash over her face. Mia told the others where to get dinner, then came over to us. “We just want to have a chat with you both,” Leo said, gesturing for us to follow him into a private room just off the lobby.
We followed, and Savannah’s hand tightened in mine. She was nervous. There was a table in the room, four chairs around it. “Please, sit down,” Leo said, and Savannah and I sat on one side. Mia and Leo took the seats on the other.
My jaw clenched in agitation. It was obvious why they had singled me and Savannah out. But it wasn’t anger running through me. It was nerves. I was filled with a new emotion—fear. Fear that they were going to disapprove of us together.
I waited for Leo and Mia to speak. Savannah, clearly feeling my unease, squeezed my hand twice.
“We’ve asked you here,” Mia said, voice gentle, “as we’ve noticed some developments between you both.” I looked to Savannah. Her cheeks were flushed with embarrassment, but her head was held high, and it made me lose some of the discomfort I was feeling.
Leo leaned on the table. “This isn’t the first trip we’ve done, far from it. And it isn’t the first time we’ve had people fall for one another while away,” he said.
Panic, strong and true, flooded my body, and I found myself blurting, “I’m not staying away from her.” My heart beat fast as I readied for an argument.
Leo met my eyes. He didn’t look pissed at my interruption. I knew I probably sounded insolent, but Savannah had been the only good thing to happen to me so long. I wasn’t letting them split us up; I
couldn’t. Not when the anger had finally fallen away and I could breathe. Not when I found someone who made me feel understood.
“We’re not asking you to, Cael,” he said calmly. “But we need to speak to you about what we expect from you both.”
“Okay,” Savannah replied, placing her free hand over our joined hands. Extra support. “We understand.” She nodded at me, urging me to hear them out too.
I exhaled a deep breath, releasing the panic that was running through me. “We can’t stop people from developing feelings for one another,” Leo said. “You are seventeen and eighteen, not small children. But we are here to help you with your grief, and what we worry about is your own progress being hindered by relying too much on one another and not on your personal journeys.”
“We ask that you adhere to the lessons and teachings that we require of you—as individuals,” Mia said. “And also,” she said and straightened, more authoritative in her seat, “we insist that you follow the rules and boundaries of the program. No sneaking off together. No sharing rooms. It’s therapy first, relationship second. Okay?”
My eyes dropped to the table. I didn’t like the sound of that, but I would never voice it aloud for fear they would interfere with me and Savannah.
“If you break these rules, we will be contacting your parents and it may compromise your place on this trip,” Leo added. My jaw clenched. I didn’t really care for the therapy. Right now, I just wanted Savannah. Therapy hadn’t helped me. She had in a matter of weeks.
“We won’t break the rules,” Savannah said. I said nothing.
That clearly gained Leo’s attention as he said, “Do you understand, Cael?”
“Savannah’s good for me,” I said, meeting his gaze. Leo listened intently, calmly. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking. But I wanted him to understand. I swallowed, looked at Savannah’s wide eyes, then said, “I … I’ve told her about Cill.” My voice was croaky with how much energy that took me to say out loud. “And me …” I trailed off. “I’m feeling better. My anger isn’t as … controlling.”
“That’s great, Cael. We’ve noticed a positive change in you,” Mia said, sounding like she truly meant it. “And we want you to open up to your peers. They’re your biggest form of support on this trip. But we want you to confide in us too. We’re not your enemies. We want more than anything to help you.
Both of you. We are worried that you’ll use each other as a crutch. It isn’t healthy, and no relationship can sustain or survive that. You both need to heal yourselves first and cannot forget that as you grow closer.”
“We won’t,” Savannah said, speaking for us both. “We’ll be respectful to you both and the program. We promise.” I felt her hard stare and met her blue eyes, reluctantly nodding in agreement.
“That’s all we ask,” Leo said after a pause. I knew he was watching me like a hawk. I knew he had caught my apprehension. But he seemed to let it rest when he tapped the tabletop and said, “Now that’s settled, let’s get some dinner.”
“Oh my goodness,” Savannah said as we watched a whale break through the surface of the water, then crash back underneath. The boat we were on rocked side to side, the air crisp and arctic around us. We were all bundled up in thermal clothes, piping-hot coffees in our hands. Our attention was glued to the water, whales cresting the water in the distance.
I’d never seen anything like this before. It all seemed so surreal. I kept blinking, feeling as though it would fade away, that we weren’t actually here in this place that felt like it was make-believe.
Savannah leaned farther back into my chest. I kept hearing her breathing catch as another whale came over the surface, ever closer to our boat. The mountains surrounded us, snow-covered and still, the whales crashing into the water the only sound—that and the gasps of our group as we stayed transfixed on the incredible sight before us.
“There’s another one,” Lili said quietly and pointed to the side of the boat. Savannah squeezed my hand, but I knew this wasn’t because she’d had a bad thought about her sister. This was because she was overwhelmed with the sights. Savannah hadn’t said a word on this boat trip. Her eyes were wide, her lips parted in awe.
It was almost too much, seeing this. Surrounded by high mountains, the city of Troms? picturesque behind us. In our grief, our worlds were reduced to only the loss of our loved one and the gutting feelings each day without them brought. Being in a place like this, seeing things in real life that I’d only ever seen on TV, reminded me just how big and vast the world was. And how tiny my life was in the grand scheme of it all. A single grain of sand on the universe’s beach.
The crisp scent of the stunning fjords and the local delicacies was a long way from the smell of oak trees and the campfire smoke of my hometown. And the cherry and almond scent of Savannah brought a sense of peace to my soul that I wasn’t sure I’d ever had—even when Cillian was alive.
Two whales came above the water, one by one, and Savannah turned her head, looking up at me with pure joy shining from her smile. My stomach flipped, and I kissed her head and held her tighter in my arms. “I can’t believe I’m seeing this,” she murmured, just for me to hear. She drank in the view, and a shiver seemed to cut down her spine.
When I tore my attention from Savannah and looked to everyone else on the trip, they were just as transfixed. It made me think back to this morning and the group session Mia and Leo had made us attend. Only, this session had been different from the others. There was no talk of loss or grief or the feelings that drowned us. Instead, they’d flipped the switch and asked us what brought us joy. I’d been stumped by the sudden change in tone. They wanted to know what sights and sounds or traditions we loved that brought happiness to our lives.
Fall, Jade had answered.
Hannukah, Lili had said with a nostalgic smile.
Being around people, Travis had said, and my stomach fell. After what’d happened to him, I wasn’t sure he had many people around him anymore.
Freedom, Dylan had replied, then flicked a quick look my way. I was starting to think Dylan was hiding, and perhaps he was sick and tired of doing so. When Mia turned to Savannah, she fiddled with her hands but said,
Family. My throat grew tight at her quiet answer.
And the world, she added, surprising me. She kept her eyes on her busy hands as she said,
I like science. The stars. I like seeing things that take my breath away. That I don’t always understand.
I wanted to tell her that just looking at her did that to me.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.