I rubbed my forehead. “Jude, maybe I came in here wrong, but I just … I don’t want our issues to bleed into this new life. You’ve got yours, and I’ve got mine.”
“Oh, I’d wager mine wins, love.”
“It’s not a competition,” I said, with an edge of frost in my words, “and you know nothing about what my family has been through.”
The mask dropped, just for a split second, and it was the regret in his eyes that tempered my immediate flare of anger.
He held up his hands. “You’re right. I don’t. Because you haven’t told me much either.”
Embarrassment and shame warred mightily in my chest, because I had no choice but to concede his point. I was just as much at fault as he was, maybe even more, since only one of us bolted from the pub.
I didn’t want it to be like this anymore. And there was only one way to change it.
“My mom left a few years after my dad died.” As I said the words, Jude’s forehead creased, his eyes taking on a curious light. I shrugged one shoulder. “That’s why Logan raised the four of us. Why my family is so important to me. And I hate talking about it, so I get it, Jude. I get it more than you can imagine. I just … don’t want to make things worse by doing the same things over and over simply because they’re easier.”
“You’re right.” He sounded exhausted, and I took absolutely no pleasure in hearing the words.
In the wake of his concession, I deflated. Everything on my body felt like it dropped an inch, simply because I couldn’t hold up the weight anymore. “Now what?”
Jude’s gaze tracked over my face, which was probably still splotchy and red and awful looking. “I think, love, that you go home and be with your family. I’ll finish my season. We’ll talk every week, yeah? We’ll figure out all those unanswered questions.”
I swiped at a tear that leaked out. What a rude little tear, I’d given no permission to cry in this conversation.
It wasn’t like I wanted him to know that I’d fallen in love with him, or that I was closing a door by ending things like this.
He watched the tear, which I’d missed, and a muscle clenched in his jaw.
Noisily, I sniffed. “Okay.”
Jude’s fists clenched, but his face smoothed out. “Do we … shake hands? Hug?”
I tried not to think about whether it was smart, but I stepped forward. Immediately, he opened his arms. They folded around my back, and while he held me, chin resting on the top of my head, I allowed one more tear.
“You changed my life, Jude McAllister,” I whispered. His chest, warm and broad and strong, expanded slowly. “I’m glad I met you.”
He didn’t answer right away, but I felt the whisper of his mouth against my hair. “I’m glad I met you too, Lia Ward.”
If I looked up at him, with the loaded, rough tone to his delicious voice, I’d probably want to kiss him. How stupid I was when it came to this man. So, I pulled out of his arms and walked out of the room.
A few doors down, Isabel stood in the hallway, looking down at her phone.
She glanced up when I exited. “You okay?”
I shook my head.
Isabel held her hand out, and I took it. We walked back to our room like that, and by the time I curled up in bed, she’d booked my tickets home with her in three days time.
I didn’t cry myself to sleep, but I curled a hand around my stomach and promised my little peach we’d be okay. All of us.
LIA
I did okay packing up my things. No tears were shed as I packed the brand new suitcase I’d purchased to accommodate the new items I’d purchased the past few months. Even my Shepperton hoodie and winter hat made it into the suitcase with dry eyes, which I was pretty ecstatic about. Isabel helped some, but I also forced her to do a few of the touristy day tours she’d booked.
My paper, once it was polished and printed and bound into a hardcover binder, had been delivered to Atwood’s office earlier in the week, as well as via email. The beautiful thing about the way we’d structured my semester cohort with her was the flexibility in my schedule. My flat was empty and clean, Isabel gone early from her Oxford B&B to do a day in Bournemouth. Originally, I’d planned to go with her, but Atwood had availability in her schedule and emailed me a cryptically short message that had my stomach twirling with nerves that she hated my paper and I’d end this entire semester with no credit.
When I knocked on her office door, I felt the first stirrings of emotion that I wouldn’t be doing it again.
“Come in,” she called.
Peeking around the corner, I gave her a tentative smile. “Ready for me?”
Professor Atwood watched me over the edge of her glasses, and I felt the weight of it like a wool cloak, something that in the right situation could be warm and wonderful. Or hot and oppressive.
I took my usual seat and saw my bound paper on her desk, next to her ever-present teacup. “Well, you didn’t burn it. That’s a good sign.”
She smiled softly. “No, definitely not.”
Nodding, a sigh escaped my lips in relief.
Atwood twirled an expensive-looking pen in her hands, briefly tapping it against her desk before she spoke again. “Your final product was quite lovely, Lia. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you.” I exhaled. “I was worried you’d hate the change I took with the end.”
She shook her head. “On the contrary, I thought it was a wonderful shift in perspective and shows the understandable change you’ve undergone in your time here.”
“It felt right, I guess.”
Atwood picked up the binder, flipping to the back. “This is the part that I highlighted.
Discontent is a powerful motivator for change and a fuel of ingenuity, but only when it’s coupled with an unwavering sense of self. When applied through a lens of the past, the indomitable spirit of the independent female is wonderfully subversive, a concept that only thrived in secret, printed on words claimed by male monikers. But when that concept is viewed in light of the present, with a clear-eyed glance at the future, we find Bront?’s words equally applicable. Not only that, but their intelligence, her own discontent, provides the reader with a timeless benchmark for how to apply change in their own life, even when choices seem few.
“
My face felt warm at her smile when she set the paper back down.
“I’m quite proud of you, you know,” she said.
“Thank you.” I laughed. “I swear, I’ll say something else at some point.”
“It will be incredibly easy to email your advisor at the University of Washington with a rave review and to heartily sign off your credit for this semester.”
My eyes welled up. “I’m so appreciative of everything I learned from you.”
Atwood waved that off. “That’s the beauty of teaching upper-level students. You don’t need as much teaching; you need guidance to see the information you already know at a deeper level. Flesh out the layers of what’s already up there,” she said as she tapped her temple. “I don’t know if you’ve given much thought to what you’ll do when you finish, but I think you’d make a marvelous teacher, Lia.”
“Really?”
“Really.” She took a sip of tea, carefully set the cup back down. “You have the energy students would respond to. Give it some thought as you do your last couple of classes. Whenever you get back to them.” She looked pointedly at my stomach.
“I should be able to finish the last two classes during the spring semester,” I told her. “I’m not due until early June.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” She stood. “Is it inappropriate to ask for a hug before you go?”
I shook my head, getting up and walking easily into her embrace. She patted me on the back, brisk and firm. When she pulled back, her eyes were bright, but her smile shaky.
“Off you go. If I get weepy over every student that came through this office, I believe they’d revoke my tenure.”
“Thank you for everything.” I held my hands out, then let them drop by my sides. “This whole experience … I’ll never forget it. I could never repay you for the chance you gave me.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.