I was ripped apart so completely nothing could put me back together.
(Willa)
Days turned into weeks, into months, into years.
I felt like a shell of a person, burying myself in work, but I never felt fully here.
“How is he?” Cali tugged at a curl, not bothering to knock on the office door, his office door. “The same,” I said, nothing new.
Stable, unchanging, but at least he wasn’t worse. Not yet.
It was painful to be away from him, but I had to step up; it was what he would have wanted.
“What can I do to help?” She came up to my desk, Caspien’s desk.
I was trying to sort through everything that was important, but I didn’t know what was. I should have accepted Luna duties before, and then I would know what I needed to do here. I was so wrapped up in my own s.hit I didn’t think about what was best for the pack, for Caspien.
Thankfully, I had support. Rendell was a huge help, and Griffen handled the new pack while Holden held things down at The Dracos Group.
“I don’t even know.” I slumped into myself.
“Go get some rest. You need it,” Her voice was softer than usual.
“I can’t sleep,” Those same images just flashed through my mind. Him laying in pain, him slipping away, how he looked almost corpse-like now.
Besides, any second sleeping was a second that something could turn for the worse for Caspien.
“You didn’t sleep last night,” Cali said, “Go down to the hospital and sleep next to him, but you’re useless without sleep.”
I was useless with sleep too.
“He’s been stable for hours now,” Cali tried, “I’m sure he will be okay.” But she didn’t sound sincere.
The doctors didn’t know; no one did.
“It’s been almost twenty-four hours since we got back. He’s been stable most of the time,” She grabbed my hand and pulled me up, “I got this; link me if you need anything. Get some rest. I’ll let you know what Griffen finds out,” I nodded once. Has it only been a day? I swore years had passed.
I didn’t know what true fear was until everything that I knew was held on a precipice that I didn’t control.
I was terrified of being pregnant alone, scared out of my mind during labor. Moving to the city by myself was a new flavor of fear. Emmett’s fevers were the worst, but there was still a bit of hope there, even if I felt mostly hopeless.
This was something else. This was too real. It ripped open parts of me and filled them with waves that felt white hot.
I dragged myself up, “I’ve got it. Go,” Cali urged as I paused at the door. I nodded and left.
Emmett was with my parents. I couldn’t bear to tell him what had happened yet. I didn’t know how.
The elevator door opened, and Emmett came barreling out, followed by my parents, who looked both frantic and stoic.
“He needed to see you,” My mom explained, “I tried to link you.”
S.hit. I didn’t mean to have a block up. I couldn’t afford to miss any information. I worked to lower it, it was the first time I accidentally had a block up, I didn’t even realize that was possible. “Dad is hurt,” Emmett’s green eyes were wide and filled with tears.
I looked at my parents, who shook their heads, “We didn’t tell him, I swear.” My dad said.
“Baby,” My voice shook, “He will be okay.”
“I want to see him,” Emmett said, and I swallowed; Caspien didn’t look like himself. I couldn’t put Emmett through that; he was already starting to look like a corpse.
“I don’t know if that is a good idea,” I said, trying to put on a smile, “Let’s see him when he’s better.”
“No,” Emmett’s tears spilled over, “I need to,”
I looked up at my parents for help, but they didn’t say anything.
“Okay,” I took his hand and led him to the main elevator that went down to the other floors leaving my parents behind.
The clinic was bright, with large windows letting in the sunlight and plants everywhere. It did little to improve my mood, actually, it worsened it.
This place was far too cheery.
“Luna,” The nurse nodded. I didn’t care about her using a title I didn’t have, it meant nothing without him anyways “There isn’t any change,” She looked away, and I nodded not trusting my words. “Are you sure?” I asked Emmett.
He was solemn next to me, clutching onto my hand. He nodded once.
I walked down the already familiar corridor. The others in the hallway stepped aside and looked down. When the professionals looked worried, I knew better than to hope for a good outcome. “It’s okay, Mama.” He said, and it shattered me.
He didn’t have to protect me. I didn’t want him to think he had. I was supposed to be the one reassuring him, and I tried but I couldn’t.
I felt like such a failure.
I took a shaky breath as I paused at the closed door at the end of the hallway. The largest room, I was assured, as if that mattered. He was so far gone the extra square inches meant nothing.
A doctor that looked familiar was standing by his bedside, looking over papers on a clipboard.
It felt too normal, jarring; it grated against me.
How could anyone go on doing anything normal while my mate was lying there dying?
I hated them. I hated them for not knowing what this felt like. I hated them for not understanding.
I hated that they could go on back to their normal lives, that this was just a part of it – a job.
I envied them, anyone, that could find joy still. Anyone that could do anything with any sense of normality.
I didn’t realize how lucky I was before, how much I took for granted, and that even sounded cheap, didn’t encompass how much I lost, could lose.
I promised The Goddess I wouldn’t take anything for granted if he came back, but I knew that it was a promise I couldn’t make. I craved nothing more than normality, and I would willingly slip back into it if I was ever allowed the opportunity. I hated the hope; it felt cheap. I didn’t want to cling to it even though I had to. I had to.
The doctors had nothing, the specialists had nothing, there wasn’t enough time to come up with some other saving grace, magic, or anything. Time was almost up.
We were scrambling, and we were behind.
We had been behind since the challenge.
He lay there, pale, his lips cracked and unmoving. His chest barely rose and fell, too slow, too d.amn slowly.
But it was a sign of life.
“Dad?” Emmett asked, letting go of my hand.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.