I shimmied up to a seated position and swiped to answer Penny’s call. “Hey.”
“What time is it there?” she asked. “Three-ish? Why are you up? Is everything okay?”
I bit my lip. I could tell her about the pregnancy, of course. But…then what? She was in France, and she hadn’t mentioned the trip to me before, so it must have been a last-minute thing. I didn’t want to ruin her trip with my own worries.
And there was the other fear lurking at the back of my mind: What if we just weren’t that close? What if our friendship didn’t go as deep as I thought it did? What if I filled a friend-shaped hole in her life, but if I got too difficult, she’d drop me?
Being single and pregnant with a messy relationship and maybe no job was difficult. In the dead of night, with the sounds of the city beyond my window deadened by the snow and the night, I didn’t want to take the risk.
“Everything’s fine,” I said. “Just twisting and turning a lot tonight.”
“Something on your mind?”
“Work,” I lied.
She hummed. “How’s that going?”
“Pretty well, all things considered,” I said, which was the truth. I didn’t say that it was all going to change once I told Jared he was going to be a father, though. I leaned my head against the back of the sofa and curled my knees up toward my chest. “What are you doing in France?”
“Marcus surprised me with a shopping trip, which he apparently planned with Emil and Leif as a surprise to the three of us for Christmas,” she said in a warm voice, naming the husbands of our friends Dani and Layla. I imagined her glancing over at him. “We’re having a coffee and a pastry right now. And get this! We ran into Bonnie at the Chanel flagship store yesterday! What are the chances?”
I let out a strangled laugh, but really I was trying to hide the sound of that gulf between us creaking and groaning as it widened. All of my friends had the means to take surprise trips across the Atlantic to go shopping the week before Christmas. They were part of the world that I’d dipped my toes in by virtue of hanging off of Jared’s arm. That’s where they belonged now.
And I was on the outside.
“That’s crazy,” I finally croaked. “What’s Bonnie doing there?”
“Oh, just a getaway with Arlo and his kid. They’re celebrating their new little family. They’re disgustingly in love,” she said fondly. “It’s amazing.”
My heart twisted. “I’m glad,” I lied. In reality, I didn’t feel glad. I felt like an outsider. Someone who was fun to have around in college, who was okay to invite over for a charcuterie board or a hangout but would never truly be part of the inner circle.
I was, and always would be, a placeholder for people to use while they were waiting for someone better.
“We should catch up when I’m back!” Penny exclaimed. “Although, we’ve been talking about extending our stay, so it might not be until the new year.”
“That sounds great.” My voice was dull, and I pretended to yawn. “I’d better try to sleep. Have fun shopping.”
“Will do. Happy holidays!”
“You too,” I mumbled, and I hung up the phone. Tears began to fall before I could stop them, my hand trembling as I forced myself to pick up my mug of tea. I could barely swallow the gulp of chamomile-scented water because of the lump lodged halfway down my throat, so I gave up and put the mug down. My cheeks were wet.
It was silly and selfish of me to be upset. My friends could take trips without telling me about it. They’d done nothing wrong.
Logically, I knew that. I knew I was being unreasonable.
But it still hurt. I was all alone in my echoing apartment, feeling like a transplant in a building where I didn’t belong, clinging onto a stable life by my fingernails while other people floated by without any apparent effort. I felt invisible and small and lonely, and then felt stupid for feeling those things in the first place. I cried until my face ached, and then fell asleep on the couch, exhausted.
Jared’s POV
Iris called in sick the next day, which was a first. Clara informed me with a message that popped up at the bottom corner of my screen, and Iris sent me a text a few minutes later. I sat at my desk and clenched my hands into fists, resisting the urge to jump in a car and head to her apartment to make sure she was okay. Instead, I ordered some chicken soup and a bunch of flowers to be delivered to her, and I turned to the contract with Monk to start ironing out the details.
Our weekend in Grenada had been fruitful, and I had to make sure we capitalized on it. I couldn’t let myself be tugged toward the woman who dominated my thoughts while neglecting my duties.
Even if I wanted to.
I had the niggling feeling that something had happened, a splinter under my skin that I wasn’t quite able to dig out. She’d felt ill; she was probably just sick. But she’d turned away from me. Ever since we’d known each other, she’d always turned toward. The change made me uncomfortable.
When my phone buzzed with a message from her thanking me for the delivery, some of the tension in my shoulders drained away. I liked caring for her. I liked being the one she could rely on, and I wanted her to turn to me for comfort and security. I wished I’d insisted on her sleeping at my place last night so I could nurse her back to health the way I wanted to.
As soon as the day was over, I’d be at her place to check on her.
I was interrupted from my rumination in the early afternoon when Cole knocked on my office door and poked his head in. “You busy?” he asked, which was strange. Typically he’d just waltz in without caring if he was disturbing me.
I rolled back from my desk and gestured for him to take a seat. Instead, Cole stood on the other side of my desk holding a manila folder. He cleared his throat but said nothing.
Arching my brows, I said, “Yes?”
Not one to beat around the bush, Cole lifted his gaze to mine and replied, “I’ve been headhunted. I’ve been offered a position as the director of a small company.”
I blinked.
“Not a competitor,” he rushed to add. “It’s a software company.”
“I see,” I said, even though I didn’t. “What do you know about software?”
“Not much,” Cole admitted, “but I know about sales. They’re in the finance industry, which is…”
“Your area of expertise.”
He let out a long sigh and pulled a sheet of paper from the folder in his hand. “My letter of resignation.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.