“You can hate me..you can hurt me and tell me to fuck off..do anything you want Johnnie..but please..never hurt yourself…I’m begging you.” He cried, making me grip his shirt as I buried my face in his chest, feeling my own tears streaming down my face.
“I will never hurt you again..I will never lie to you or say things just to make you hate me..I won’t..I promise..you mean too much to me..” He breathed, his mouth kissing the top of my head as I took a shuddering breath.
“Caspian..why..why did you want your mom to think you were on her side..I don’t get it?” I asked after a few more moments, feeling Caspian’s breathing become deeper as he began to calm down.
“I..I don’t want to hurt you more Johnnie..” He suddenly whispered, and now I really did manage to pull back before looking up at him, I saw fresh tears falling down his perfect cheeks as I reached up to wipe them.
“Remeber..no more lying?” I said, making him nod his head as he leaned into my palm, the gesture causing my eyes to widen as I felt my heart leap into my throat.
All of these new things he was doing were making my emotions go haywire.
“Okay..but we better go to the beach..I don’t want anyone coming home while I tell you.”
He stated as I watched him pull from me and take my hand, gripping it tightly like he was afraid I would run away or something.
“I’m sorry Johnnie..for everything.”
He said once more..but this time..if felt like it was for a different reason..what could he have to tell me?
(Johnnie)
I held Caspian’s hand as we walked towards the beach. Luckily, there were a few clouds out now, so the sun wasn’t directly on us. The breeze felt nice, and I could tell it was helping Cas sober up.
I still don’t get it..why didn’t he want other guys to date me? I don’t understand that part of everything..and the fact that he was so upset about my confession..it took me by surprise.
I don’t know what he has to tell me..but from the look on his face, it’s pretty serious.
Maybe something is wrong with his mom? Oh god..could Viva be sick?!
“Let’s sit here.” Caspian stated before tugging me down into the sand next to him.
He laid back, his arm flinging up and draping over his eyes as he let out a shaky breath. I couldn’t help but admire his long muscular body. The way he lay there was like he was posing for some magazine.
“I didn’t want to bring anyone else into this shit..because it’s fucked up Johnnie..and my dad..well, he made me promise not to tell anyone.” He began, causing my brow to furrow as I went to reach forward but hesitated, resting my hands in my lap instead.
“What is it Cas? You can tell me..you know I was always here for you, even with everything that happened between us.” Yeah, Caspian was a dick to me..but I had known him all of my life..if something happened to him or his family, I would be there in a heartbeat.
“I know..but this doesn’t just affect me..it changes everything Johnnie..” He confessed before removing his arm and turning his head towards me.
“I want to know.” I stated firmly, needing to know why Caspian began to hate me..maybe a sick part of me hoped it was something so big..that it wasn’t because of who I was..but what could be that big?
“Remember that summer we came here..the one before your dad..well..it was the year we stayed for the fourth of July?” He stated, making me nod my head.
That was the year Caspian got a stomach bug and didn’t stay for the fireworks..but now that I am thinking back..that was when things started to change slowly.
He was very withdrawn and wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I thought I was just being annoying and he realized I had a crush on him, so he started avoiding me.
“I remember.” I whispered, seeing him look back up towards the clouds as his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down, distracting me for a moment.
“Well..you were cold, so I offered to get you a jacket..” He began, surprising me that he even remembered that.
“I walked into the house…and what I saw Johnnie..it fucked everything up.” He began, his voice cracking as he closed his eyes and turned his head away, tears streaming down his cheek and making my heart ache.
“Caspian it’s okay..you can tell me..you don’t have to hold this in.” I reassured him while scooting closer and gripping his large hand.
“I saw our parents Johnnie..I saw my dad and your mom..they were together in his office..they have been having an affair all that time Johnnie.” He dropped the bomb, making my mouth fall open as I tried to process this information.
“Y..you mean..you saw them kiss?” Maybe it was a one-time mistake and they had drank too much.
“No Johnnie..not just kissing.” He stated firmly, his eyes telling me exactly what he saw as I slapped my hand over my mouth.
“You mean..wait..but my dad was..oh god.” I felt sick..I felt disgusted and betrayed..I felt like my mom had lied to me all my damn life..she lied to my dad! Did he know? Did he know Mom was having an affair? Did Viva know?!
Oh god..that’s why Caspian said that..he..he felt guilty. My mom broke up their marriage. My mom slept with her best friend’s husband!
“Hey, I know..come here, take a deep breath Johnnie..I know it’s fucked up..this..this is why I didn’t want to say anything..he promised it was a one-time thing..that I was a mistake but he lied..he told me not to say anything..that I would ruin our fucking family.” Caspian began to break down as I pulled back now looking up at him in shock.
“Wait..what did he tell you? He fucking said that to you?!” I was livid! How could Dave put that kind of pressure on Caspian? He was just a freaking kid!
“I’m sorry Johnnie..that’s why..I thought if I was close to you..that I was betraying my mom..that I was choosing my dad’s mistress over her..” He choked out, the alcohol making him even more hysterical as I pressed his head against my chest before holding him tight.
“It’s okay..I understand..it’s not your fault Caspian..this is not your fault..your mom would never think that. She loves you so much..you and Alder mean everything to her.” I consoled him, my hand stroking his shaggy hair as I felt horrible for him.
Obviously, this doesn’t make the shit he said disappear..but I understand..I finally see why he hated me..why he didn’t come to family dinners and looked at my mom with such disgust.
She betrayed her best friend..she betrayed my dad..she betrayed all of us.
I let Capsian cry against me, the pent of years of keeping this secret to himself finally unraveling as all the trauma came tumbling out.
I had never seen him cry in my life..not like this..and it made my heart shatter into pieces.
But now I can understand that anger..I understand the hatred and loathing..because I began to feel it too. Not towards Caspian..but for my mom and Dave.
She lied all of these years..and now she has the audacity to marry Dave, to act like they just discovered this new love that blossomed in the past few months.
I held my mother while she mourned Dad’s life..she laid there and cried for hours..and now I know why..the guilt she felt for cheating on him. That’s why she said she was a bad wife.
I pulled from Caspian, a fire that I never felt before began engulfing me..I wasn’t going to sit back and let them get away with this.
“Does Alder know?” I asked quietly, making him shake his head no.
“Not about all of it..he thinks it started before Mom and Dad made the divorce official.” He confessed before sniffling and pulling back.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.