I couldn’t face anyone from home. Especially now. I was split open from yesterday with Savannah. I couldn’t stop thinking about finding her out on the ledge, sobbing and falling apart. How she’d been shaking with fury, the same destructive emotion that lived in my veins. How she’d screamed at me, her pretty face contorted with pain. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the jetty. Her vulnerability, her honesty. How when I held her hand, it felt easier to breathe. Why? What had it meant? Being beside her, holding her … it had given me a moment of peace I never got. And it only grew deeper with what she’d told me.
What
I’d told her.
Cillian.
I hadn’t even meant to. It just …
tore from me, like the confession was clawing to get out and just be heard by somebody else.
I’d told somebody about Cill. I’d told
Savannah about Cill … I didn’t know how to feel about it. I felt different this morning. I was completely shaken. The darkness was still there, lying low in my veins, but …
shit, I’d told someone about Cillian. And the bitterness within me wasn’t quite so strong. It wasn’t consuming my every waking minute. I’d forgotten what this even felt like.
What was happening?
“You ready?” Travis said as I packed the last of my clothes in my case, lost to my thoughts. Today was our last climb. Tomorrow, we left for Norway. Unaware of how rattled and confused I was, Travis waited for me in the doorway as I grabbed my coat and hiking boots. He was always trying to reach out his hand for friendship. I’d shunned him at every point.
He was kicking the floor with his toe. “Sorry if I’m a lot,” he said out of nowhere. It shocked me still. I met his eyes. “I don’t have many friends, especially not after …” He shook his head and started for the stairs, leaving what he was saying unfinished.
I didn’t know if it was Savannah’s influence or if it was that I wasn’t feeling myself, but I called out, “Trav.” Travis turned, freckled face red from embarrassment. “We’re cool.”
A long exhale left his chest and made me feel like a total prick. Truth was, I hadn’t gotten to know anyone on this trip. Ignored them all and hadn’t cared who’d been caught in my cross fire.
Except for Savannah. But she was different. Had been different since I’d first laid eyes on her. And more so now.
“Really?” he said, expression brightening. I nodded and pointed to the front door and the bus that awaited us. I saw most of the group was on the bus already. My nerves made my hands shake when I thought about seeing Savannah again. How did I face someone I’d just told about my brother?
Everyone was talking amongst themselves when Travis and I climbed on, and I took a seat a few rows in front of where everyone else sat, not looking anyone in the eye. I wasn’t trying to ignore them this time; I just needed space.
I stared out of the window at the lake. The rain had finally stopped. The clouds had cleared, and the sun was high in the sky. It was still freezing … but it wasn’t as dark and depressing as yesterday.
Maybe, after speaking to Savannah, inside of me wasn’t as dark and depressing either. Even just a sliver of some internal light was progress.
Running my fingertip along my bottom lip, I could still feel the softness of Savannah’s hair against my mouth as I’d kissed her head and inhaled her cherry and almond scent. I still felt her soft palm against my calloused one, battered and rough from years and years of hockey. I’d needed to hold her. I didn’t know if it was for her or for me, but in that moment of vulnerability, I’d had to hold her hand.
I hadn’t wanted to leave that jetty. Our problems had seemed so much smaller as we huddled in that wooden hut. Our sadness was freed, just for a couple of hours, and we just …
were.
The seat beside me dipped. I turned my head and my stomach flipped. Savannah. Savannah looked up at me under her long, fair lashes, blue eyes seeking permission that this was okay. That her being beside me was okay.
Her presence immediately set me at ease. No more shaking hands. And strangely, there was no regret for telling her about Cillian.
“Hey, Peaches,” I said, voice strained. I felt bare and open to her gaze. Vulnerable. I wasn’t used to being vulnerable to anyone. Never had been in my life. But I had been to this pretty girl from Georgia, in the rawest possible way.
Savannah dug into her backpack and brought out a sandwich bag filled with pastries and fruit. “You didn’t come down to breakfast.” She shrugged, that blush of hers I loved so much bursting on the skin of her cheeks. “I thought you might be hungry.” I stared at this girl in wonder. This Georgia peach who had managed to climb over my high walls.
“Thanks,” I said and took the bag from her. The truth was, I’d been a coward that morning. I bailed on breakfast because I didn’t know what I would say to Savannah when I saw her. I didn’t know how to be around someone who had seen all my hidden scars, so open and exposed like that.
I should have known she wouldn’t make it awkward.
Quite the opposite … she’d made it okay.
Savannah settled into her seat. The bus began to move. I tried to not let the usual discomfort of being in a vehicle unnerve me. So, I stared out at the views that had cemented themselves inside my brain. I would never forget this place.
“Last day,” Savannah said. I knew she was pushing herself to talk to me. She was even more reserved than me. I understood that it wasn’t natural for her to make idle conversation. But I also understood she was trying.
For me.
“Yeah,” I said and reached into the sandwich bag, bringing out a chocolate croissant. I sighed after taking a bite. I was starving.
“One more climb,” I said, wanting to try to say something, to engage. To make last night not feel so big.
Savannah nodded, and then a small smile graced her pink lips. I paused mid-bite just to witness it. I didn’t know how she did it, but this girl could just cut through whatever dark fog surrounded me like she wielded a sword forged of pure light.
No one on this trip smiled much. Some had smiled a little bit more here in Windermere. But, as bad as it sounded, I didn’t care about anyone else’s smile. Only hers. Because Savannah’s smile lit up the sky when she did. Her smiles were as shy as she was, but just that small upward curl at the corner of her lip tugged like a freight train at my heart.
“I think my legs are thankful it’s the last one.” I felt myself smirking back, and Savannah stared at me too. Maybe in the same way I stared at her. I searched inside for any discomfort. But around her … there was only peace. I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
Savannah pressed her head to the back of the seat, seeming content; then Dylan and Travis came and sat on the seats in front of us.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.