My chest tightened, and I stared back down at the busy square, the smell of the food trucks drifting up to the hotel’s window I was sitting at. Rune was right. Poppy would be proud of me. She always was. Any little achievement I made in school, she acted like I’d just changed the world. In sixth grade, when I won the science fair, Poppy celebrated like I’d won the Nobel Peace Prize.
ME:
I know
I didn’t have any other words to say.
RUNE:
You can do this, Sav. I believe in you too.
I smiled as Rune sent that final message. Since Poppy died, Rune had grown even closer to my family. He had become the big brother to me and Ida that he was always destined to be. It would always be unfair that he had lost his soulmate. She was so young … they hadn’t even been given a real chance to make it.
I felt the rumblings of despair stir within me. It only lessened when a knock sounded on the door. I opened it to find Jade and Lili on the other side. “Come on,” Lili said, taking my hand. Jade grabbed my coat off the coat stand in my room. “You’re coming skating with us.”
“Oh, I can’t skate …” I tried to say, but as they tugged me down the hall and down the three flights of stairs to the chilly square, I understood they weren’t giving me a choice. It felt familiar, three girls running through the city to have fun. I’d spoken to Mama, Daddy and Ida this morning too. I missed them more than breathing. But I was okay. I was pushing through.
Jade led us to the skate-rental cabin. As Jade and Lili handed in their shoes in exchange for their skates, I said, “I have never been skating before.” They looked at me like I’d grown an extra head. My face flamed under their disbelieving scrutiny.
“We’ll help you,” Lili said and gestured to my boots. “Hand them in and get some skates.”
I did as she said, feeling nerves accost me. I sat on the bench and laced the skates on my feet. I tried to stand, and almost fell to the ground. “Woah!” Jade said and linked my arm. “Let’s take this slow.”
Lili linked my other arm and we headed for the ice. The cold breeze from the ice kissed my face, causing chills to race down my body. It smelled fresh, and clean … it smelled like Cael.
I roved my gaze over the rink, wondering where he was. I hadn’t seen him yet today. Hadn’t seen Dylan or Travis either. Maybe they were all together. Lately, he’d been a little better at mixing with the rest of us. And he didn’t seem so shut down. I hoped that remained that way. I … the way I was feeling toward Cael was … all-encompassing. He gave me butterflies, and my heart thundered in my chest when he was near, when he held my hand or clutched my finger with his. But it was hard to be around someone who was so consumed by anger, hard to truly let them in.
But since the night in the jetty, he seemed a little softer. I believed that was because he’d spoken of his brother’s death, said aloud what had happened.
He had freed the words that had been so hard for him to say, that had festered inside of him until they had turned blood into fire.
I hoped more than anything that speaking to me had set him on the right path.
“One step forward,” Lili said, taking me from my thoughts, and I placed my blade on the ice. I immediately slipped and released my hold on Jade and Lili to grip the boards on the side of the rink. I expelled a nervous laugh. Lili and Jade stood before me. “You go. I think I need to stay here for a while,” I said. Lili opened her mouth to protest, but I nodded. “Honestly. I just need to get my bearings.”
“You sure?” Jade asked.
“I’m sure,” I said and watched them skate off. They were a little wobbly at first, but within minutes they were circling the rink, waving to me as they passed. I inhaled the frigid air, that fresh scent wrapping around me again. A hand landed on my shoulder, and then Dylan and Travis were pushing onto the ice in front of me.
Dylan held out his hand. “Let’s go, Sav.” Travis slipped and grabbed on to Dylan, bringing them both crashing to the ground. The sound of their loud laughter, so free and easy, made me smile. After what Dylan had told me about his best friend, after the horror that Travis had revealed to us last night … their unburdened laughter sounded like the bells of heaven.
“I think I’ll just leave you to it,” I said and shuffled my way back onto dry land, far away from the chance of falling over too.
“Sav!” Dylan said in complaint. “Fine!” he added, then pointed at me as he scrambled to his feet. “But you’re getting a hot cocoa with me after this.”
“Deal,” I said, then scooted to the bench and quickly untied my skates, and in less than a minute I had my boots on my feet and a lot less fear in my heart.
I stood at the boards and watched my new friends circling the rink, holding hands and having some much-needed fun. It was such a beautiful sight to see. If they were anything like me, it had probably been quite some time since they’d let themselves experience true joy like this.
I huffed a silent laugh as Travis pushed by Dylan, almost knocking him off his feet again, when something drew me to look to my left. The square was busy, the rink becoming close to full, but through the crowd of people, I spotted a familiar black beanie and coat. Cael was staring at the rink, a gutting expression on his handsome face.
Any happiness I had found watching my friends disappeared at the look of absolute sadness on Cael’s face. He stood back away from the boards, hands in his pockets.
I blew on my hands to ward off the cold and walked to where he stood. I approached slowly so he could see me coming. When he did, his spine straightened.
“Hi,” I said and stood beside him. Cael’s eyes were fixed back on the ice rink.
He wanted to be on there.
I recalled what Dylan had told me. Cael was a hockey player. Was immensely talented, from what he’d divulged. But he no longer played. The way he was watching the skaters, I believed that in his heart, he still wished he did.
“You don’t want to skate?” I said, testing the waters. Cael’s gaze hardened, and he shook his head. A firm, unyielding no.
I huffed a laugh as Lili and Jade began to race Travis and Dylan. I wondered if those who opened up at last night’s campfire felt any lighter today. Their reason for being here had been shared. They had been so brave. I wondered if it felt liberating to just place your pain in the hands of people who supported you. To pass it over to others in bite-size chunks so that your burden was lessened, and life would seem just that little bit less unkind.
“I don’t know how people do it,” I pushed myself to say. I didn’t want Cael feeling so low. Wanted to try to make it better. “I couldn’t even move my feet without slipping.”
I didn’t expect a response, so surprise made me turn my head to Cael when he said, “It just takes practice.” He met my gaze. “I … I …” he trailed off, fighting back whatever was trying to stop him talking, and said, “I saw you.” He inhaled a long, strength-giving breath. “I wanted to come and help you, but …” His words became trapped in his throat and his pallor turned ashen.
What was this moment costing him emotionally? It seemed to cost him everything to be staring at this rink, to be speaking these words.
I placed my hand on his arm. “It’s okay,” I said and moved before him, blocking the view that was causing him so much strife. “Do you want to grab some food?” I pointed to a cluster of food cabins nearby. He nodded and tore his eyes from the ice. It appeared as though the rink was a magnet to him, drawing him close. But he was resisting the pull. And it was hurting him to do so.
The urge to make him feel better was so strong within me that I pushed my arm through his. I was never this forward. I had never had a boyfriend in my life. I was socially awkward and had no clue how to make anyone but my family feel better when they were hurting. But I felt the same need within me to take care of Cael as I did for Ida. Like I had done for Poppy too.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.