It didn’t surprise me that Savannah had found me. She had been talking to her parents and sister in her room when I saw the rink was empty and decided to come outside.
I couldn’t believe she was on the ice with me now.
Stopping us in the center of the rink, I took a deep breath then brought my lips to hers. And I kissed her. I kissed Savannah with all the newfound joy I’d found on the ice. I kissed her in thanks for helping me get back here, for never pushing me but supporting me to find this missing part of me again.
“You looked amazing out here,” she said and just about destroyed me.
“You ready?” I asked and began pulling her slowly, both of her hands holding mine like a vice.
“Lead the way,” she said, and I let myself have it. Let myself have this one moment of pure freedom, of a life unburdened from grief. I let my soul claim its passion back. And I let it all happen with the southern girl in my arms who was changing my life for the better, day by day, hour by hour, country by new country.
And we skated. We skated under the stars that Savannah believed her sister now lived among. A flicker of peace settled within my heart when I let myself imagine that Cillian was up there shining brightly too.
Finally free.
Golden Sands and Deep Sorrows
Cael
Goa, India
THE CONTRAST BETWEEN N
ORWAY AND I
NDIA WAS MIND-BLOWING. F
ROM the second we stepped off the plane, we were swallowed by sticky humidity and soaring heat. Sweat dripped from my temples as we got off the bus and headed to where we were staying in Goa.
It was a paradise.
Palm trees swayed in the warm breeze, the beach sprawled out before us, white sand and crystal-blue waters glimmered like something I’d only ever seen on a postcard. When I traveled for hockey, it was mostly to cold cities and even colder arenas.
Savannah had stepped off the bus before me. I found her on the sidewalk, head tipped back and basking in the sun as it kissed her face. Her cheeks were flushed from Goa’s high temperature. Her long hair was sticking to her neck, but there was happiness on her face as her eyes stayed closed and she worshipped the heat.
“It feels like Hell here,” I said, only for Savannah to crack an eye open and playfully scowl at me.
“I love the heat,” she said and slipped off her cardigan, revealing her peach-colored bare arms. Freckles appeared every few inches. She was perfect. She must have seen me staring, as the flush on her cheeks deepened to what I now recognized as a blush.
“It reminds me of home,” she said and lifted her hair off the back of her neck. I watched a drop of sweat run down from her scalp and disappear under her white tank.
“Welcome to Goa,” Mia said. “Your home for the next several days.”
I still couldn’t get my head around the fact that only a day ago we were wrapped in thermals and standing under never-ending falling snow. Now, the sun was burning brightly, and the smell of sunscreen permeated the air.
I slipped my arm around Savannah, not caring if the shared body heat added to my already overheated state. Savannah linked my hand that was resting over her shoulder. I was instantly at ease.
“Come this way,” Leo said and led us into the resort that would be our home for a while. We were taken into a room that could be used for yoga. Calming, meditative music sailed through the room’s hidden speakers. The room was painted a deep, rich red, and large plump cushions were laid out in a circle.
“Please,” Leo said and gestured for us to sit down. I shucked off my hoodie, leaving me only in a sleeveless tank top. I felt Savannah’s eyes burning into me. I slipped off my beanie and ran my hands through my messy hair. I smirked at her as she tracked her gaze over my arms, chest, and neck tattoos.
Realizing I had caught her staring, she said, “They’re so beautiful.” She traced her fingertip over the anchor that was the centerpiece on my forearm. Then over the shamrock that showed my Irish heritage. I couldn’t resist it, or stand her looking at me like that, so I bent down and captured her lips with my own. I was freer with my affection now. Everyone knew about us, so we didn’t feel the need to hide it. I pressed my lips to hers and immediately felt any nerves I had put at ease. I was always wary of any new activity or country we embarked on. Just as I got used to the newest place we were in, Mia and Leo unsettled us by moving us on to something completely different. It was the worst part of the trip. I used to love seeing new places. Since my brother passed, it brought me nothing but unease.
Guess it showed that I was still nowhere being healed.
A throat cleared and I pulled back from Savannah. Leo was standing, exasperated. I still wasn’t sure if he approved of us. He didn’t give much away. “When you’re ready,” he said, and chuckles ran around the rest of the group. They were waiting for us to sit before we could begin.
Savannah’s face was scarlet red as she quickly ran to her cushion and sat down. She was still so shy and reserved. She wasn’t with me, though, and that made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
“So,” Leo said, “did anyone guess what we were trying to show you in Norway?”
“Nature?” Lili asked, after a few minutes of thought.
“A new culture?” Jade tacked on.
Leo smiled at their guesses, then said, “We wanted to take you to a place of awe and wonder. To see sights that were spectacular, unique, and often overwhelming to the human eye.”
“More times than not, when we are consumed by grief, we feel alone, and our world reduces to just ourselves and the trauma we have experienced. Our world becomes myopic,” Mia said. “By seeing such breathtaking sights in the world that can often leave us awestruck and sensorily overwhelmed, it can also shift our perspective. It can give us access to the marvels of life and the universe that maybe help open our minds and allow us to step into a new way of thinking. It can remind us we are alive, and although still fighting through grief, we still have a lot of life left to live.”
The group was nodding, like it resonated with them. Even Savannah seemed to agree, to feel that way. The stars, the northern lights had made her feel more connected to Poppy than she’d been in years. I’d seen the subtle change in her. And she hadn’t succumbed to her anxiety even once.
She’d seemed a fraction more settled by the time we had left. Not healed, still wrestling with the heavy grip of grief. But lighter somehow. I could see it in everything she was.
I hadn’t felt it quite like everyone else. Panic rose inside of me. I’d gotten back on the ice. That was progress. At least progress with how I felt about hockey. But when it came to how I thought of my brother, not much had changed. I’d tried to picture him in the stars, but not long afterward, the doubt and dark thoughts crept in. Why couldn’t I look at the northern lights and see my brother dancing among them? Why couldn’t I picture him as free and at peace?
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.