I kept my face neutral. I didn’t want Savannah to see just how troubled I was.
“This leg of the trip,” Leo said, “is about confronting mortality.” In our one-on-one sessions, Leo had gently pushed me to open up about Cillian. But I’d given him nothing. I liked how it had felt in Norway when I’d pushed everything aside. It had become addictive. And Savannah had become my salvation. When I was with her, holding her, the pit in my stomach didn’t ache; it was comfortably numbed. My anger had ebbed. It was strange. The way I used to attach myself to anger shifted to the way I attached myself to Savannah. She was the life rope that was tying me to her, keeping me from drifting away. I refused to lose that.
“What does that mean?” Dylan asked nervously.
“We will explore the natural journey that we all take—life and death and everything in between.” I glanced at Savannah; she was wringing her hands together. That thought had clearly made her nervous too. I checked her breathing. So far, she was keeping it together.
“We’ll be visiting three places on this leg of the trip. Goa is the first. Here, we will immerse ourselves in group sessions and one-on-ones, as well as therapy classes that can help us address some of our inner traumas.”
“But this is also a chance to recoup,” Leo added. “We’ve had two very full-on experiences in England and Norway.” He gestured around us. “This place is a haven. We encourage you to relax some, swim, soak in the sun. Eat together, hang out,
talk,” he said, referring to the group.
“Get some rest, unpack, hang out by the pool. Tomorrow we’ll start the sessions et cetera,” Leo said and handed out our room keys.
As we grabbed our luggage, Travis said, “Should we all meet at the pool?”
I took hold of Savannah’s hand. “Do you want to swim?” I kissed her again. I never wanted to stop. Life didn’t feel so bleak when she was in my arms.
She smiled against my lips. “Okay.”
My room was sandwiched in between Dylan’s and Travis’s. As we approached our doors, they were walking together, quiet whispers shared between them. I hadn’t noticed how close they’d gotten in Norway. But then, outside of Savannah, I hadn’t noticed much else.
Throwing on my swim shorts, I headed to Savannah’s door and knocked. When she didn’t answer, I went in search of her at the pool and stopped dead when I caught sight of her. She was on the edge of the pool in her pale-blue bathing suit, the warm breeze kicking up her dark blond hair around her head like a halo. Her hand rested on a palm tree trunk as she looked out onto the beach and sea.
In that moment, I couldn’t believe how lucky I was that someone like Savannah had taken a chance on me. I was broken; I knew I was. The more I sat in on group sessions, and the more we all hung out, I was starting to see everyone else make gradual improvements. They were laughing more, smiling more, and some were even talking about their deceased family members more. Remembering them in good ways, sharing happy memories.
I hadn’t mentioned Cillian to anyone but Savannah.
At night, Savannah would read the notebook her sister had left her. Then she would write back to her in the journal Mia and Leo had given us. Like she was having a conversation with her again.
I hadn’t been given another journal. Leo and I had decided that wasn’t part of my journey right now. It was too triggering for me, and we’d focus on talking therapies in our sessions instead. That wasn’t exactly working either, but I wasn’t writing anything in a journal and he understood that.
That seven-word note in my wallet was still there, untouched and an albatross to my life.
Despite the roasting heat, all I felt were ice-cold chills as I stood there, lost in my head. I was only wrenched from my own darkness when Savannah turned and found me across the poolside. She was like a damn mirage as her blue eyes—made only more vibrant by the swimsuit—broke out in a shy smile at my presence.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever deserve that smile. But I’d take whatever she wanted to give me. I walked around the pool to where she stood. I flipped the bird when Dylan and Travis, already in the pool, splashed water at me, soaking my legs.
As I arrived beside Savannah, the scent of her sunscreen hit me first, as did her beauty. Her long, straight hair had curled into ringlets in the humidity. I decided this was how I liked her best, in the sun where she belonged.
“Hi,” she said when I took hold of her hand.
“Hey, Peaches,” I said back and wrapped her up in my arms. The feel of her bare skin against my own felt perfect, and as I reared back, I kissed her, slow and soft, tasting the cherry ChapStick on her lips.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. She nodded when I broke from the kiss, and I could already see her nose and cheeks turning pink in the sun.
“You?” she asked back, a slight furrow of concern on her brow.
“I am now,” I said, only to feel another splash of water on my legs. I glared down at Dylan and Travis.
“Stop making out and get your asses in here,” Dylan said. Without warning, I jumped into the pool, making sure to drench Travis on his floatie. Savannah’s light laughter burst into the air behind me.
“Get in, Peaches,” I said when I broke the surface, and watched as she slid into the pool. I caught her as she hit the water, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, holding on as I waded us through the water. We congregated in the middle of the pool, Dylan and Travis ducking off their floaties to give them to Jade and Lili, who arrived a few minutes later.
“I’ll take this over rain and snow,” Jade said, closing her eyes as she lay back on the float. Dylan slipped under the water, then came up underneath her and turned over the floatie. Jade screeched as she fell into the water, head going straight underneath.
“Dylan!” she shouted when she got up and gave chase.
“Don’t even think it,” Lili said to Travis as he dived under the water too. In only a few moments, she was thrashing in the water as Travis pushed her right off.
Savannah gripped her arms around my neck tighter as she laughed, her chest heaving as the four of them raced after each other all over the pool.
It was nice, I thought. To hear such carefree laughter. When you’d lost someone, laughter didn’t come easily. For me, it never came at all. When I felt myself quietly laughing too, it felt so foreign, like my body couldn’t even remember how to laugh.
“Cael,” Savannah said, brushing her hand across my neck, right over my Adam’s apple. I didn’t know what had brought a sheen of happy tears to her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, puzzled.
“You laughed,” she said. “I haven’t heard you laugh at all since we’ve been on the trip.” Her words hit me like bullets. I used to laugh all the time. Embraced fun. I thought of Stephan, my best friend. Thought of my team back in Massachusetts. How we would always be messing around, spraying each other with ice, tripping each other up with our sticks.
We would always laugh.
I’d missed that sound. But … I had just laughed.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.