I curled myself over Cael and I let the floodgates open. My sternum ached as my chest racked with sadness. I didn’t think I had ever cried that much in my life before. I had always held it back, controlled it. But seeing Cael break, hearing the story of Cillian, and Cael finding him—
seeing him—wrecked me.
Cael’s endless tears soaked my dress. But I saw each of those falling tears as a blessing. He had lived with this for so long. Tried to hide it through tattoos and piercings. Listened to our group sessions with forced detachment and silence. Even
I had participated, which several weeks ago would have seemed impossible.
Cael had needed this.
I had needed to see him face this too.
I stroked my hand through his dark hair. Somewhere along this journey, my heart had reached out and melded to his. Since Poppy, I had been so terrified of falling for someone. Scared by the thought of losing them too. But minute by minute on this trip, I had felt a magnet drawing Cael and me together, so powerful, it was impossible to resist. We had shared in a pain that people outside of this experience would never understand.
And right now, with him so distraught and vulnerable in my arms and my heart cracking in his shared pain, I came to the heady realization that I was in love with him. Head over heels, completely in love with this broken boy from outside Boston. I peppered kisses along his cheek and hair. His hands and fingers that were linked through mine.
“I’m so tired, Savannah,” Cael said, his depleted, softly spoken words tearing open my chest.
“Let’s go and sleep then,” I said and guided Cael to his feet. He was so tall and broad and physically strong. But everything in his gait screamed that he was fractured. With his arm over my shoulders and my arm around his waist, we walked back to the floor that held all our rooms. As I walked past my own, just the thought of leaving him alone made me feel nauseous. I didn’t want to be alone either.
As we entered the hallway, Leo was waiting. We stopped when we saw him. “How are you doing, Cael?” he asked. I had a feeling he’d been keeping an eye on him this entire time. In fact, I was sure he was.
“Tired,” Cael said, sagging beside me.
I looked up at Leo and saw the sadness on his face. “Please,” I said quietly. “Please … let me stay with him.”
“Savannah …” Leo said, shaking his head.
“Nothing will happen, I promise. We’ll sleep above the covers. Please … I just want to stay beside him,” I said, begging Leo with my eyes. I couldn’t leave him alone. My heart wouldn’t let me.
He’s so broken, I tried to silently convey to Leo.
He’s just opened up to me and told me everything. He’s too raw and vulnerable to be on his own tonight.
Leo walked back into his own room, then came back out carrying a chair. He placed it outside Cael’s room. “The door stays open, and I’ll be checking on you frequently,” he said. “Don’t betray my trust.”
“We won’t,” I whispered. The relief Leo’s permission brought was consuming. I held Cael’s hand tighter and walked him into his room, leaving the door open. Gratitude, so strong and blatant, shone in Cael’s desolate gaze. I knew I’d done the right thing. Grief hurt worse when you were alone.
I brought him to his bed, and we lay down, fully clothed. Cael wrapped me in his arms and crushed me to his chest like it was the only thing anchoring him to hope. I held him back, just breathing in his sea salt scent. He kissed me on the top of my head and exhaled a long and defeated sigh.
“Thank you,” he said, and his words filled the hotel room.
“There’s nothing to be thankful for,” I said and nestled in closer. It was true. This was what we did for those we loved. We held them through darkness.
“He wasn’t a bad person,” Cael eventually said, and that just about broke my heart.
“Of course he wasn’t,” I said sternly and lifted myself up until I was propped onto my elbow. I ran my fingertips over Cael’s face. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, and his skin was pale yet blotchy from all his tears.
“He was just sad,” he said, almost more to himself than to me. “He was just too sad to carry on.” He blinked and chased fresh tears away. “And he wasn’t a coward.” My heart collapsed. “He was strong and brave and was the best person I ever knew.”
“He couldn’t be further from a coward,” I echoed. “He was strong until the end. Never believe otherwise.”
Cael nodded his head, like he’d desperately needed to hear that. He took hold of my hand. “What was she like? Poppy?”
Branches of love began to grow inside of me, blotting out sadness. I smiled, even though my lips shook. I just missed her so much. “She was kind,” I said quietly. I gripped Cael’s hand tighter. “She was beautiful. And she was so encouraging.”
I swallowed back the gutting emotions that were threatening to steal my words. For the first time in such a long time, I
wanted to talk about Poppy and how wonderful she had been. “She encouraged me more than anyone in my life. She was my anchor. She was the person who helped pull me out of the shell I so naturally hid inside.” I laughed when Ida’s face came to mind. “My younger sister, Ida, is like that too.” My stomach fell. “But I haven’t really let her in since Poppy died.” Tears built in my eyes. “I haven’t been the big sister to her that Poppy was to us both.”
“You’ve been hurting,” Cael said, running his finger up and down my cheek.
“So has she,” I said, the truth of that fact making me fill to the brim with guilt. “It was Ida who persuaded me to come here.” I met Cael’s eyes. “The truth is, I haven’t been myself since Poppy died.”
A thought I had always kept secret screamed to be let out. Cael was searching my face, like he knew I wanted to say something too. Kissing his hand, I then ran my fingers over his tattooed knuckles and said, “Sometimes …” I took in a shallow, shaky breath. “Sometimes I think it’s me who should have died.” My heart kicked into a sprint as those private words became shared. “Poppy was so full of life. She had Rune. They would have married. They would have had the most beautiful life together. True soulmates.”
I flicked my eyes around the dark in the room. I knew Leo was listening to our every word, but I didn’t mind. Maybe it was time I shared it with him too. “Ida is like Poppy. They are so vibrant. Being around them is being smothered with happiness and hope. Me …” I trailed off. “I’m quiet, reserved.” My breath stuttered. “The world would have continued without me. No great ripple of sorrow or unfairness would have occurred if I’d slipped away, as quietly as I lived. No one would have truly been affected if I had been the one to fall victim to sickness.”
“I would have,” Cael said. His voice was no longer weak but so bold and full of conviction that I couldn’t help but look at him. He was deadly serious; I could see that in his silver-blue depths. “My world would have been affected, Savannah. I would have wandered through my life wondering why there was a sudden ache in my heart. My life would have been unfulfilled because you had never stepped into it like you were always meant to.”
“Cael …” I said, choked with emotion, and he leaned in and kissed me. His hand met my cheek and his fingers threaded into my hair. I kissed him back and tried to absorb all of what he had said. My heart had swelled in my chest at his words. And I returned the sentiment. Cael had stepped into my life and spliced his soul with my own, two hearts sharing one valve. It was heady and overwhelming but joyous and almost too much of a sensation to bear.
He pulled back and joined his forehead to mine. “I would have forever felt you were missing, Peaches. And I would have searched every inch of the world and beyond, trying to find you.” Cael reared back an inch. His face was serious, and searching my eyes, he whispered, “I love you, Savannah Litchfield. I’m so goddamn in love with you.”
My heart fired like a cannon. Butterflies that were solely tied to Cael’s voice swooped and spread their wings so wide I could feel them in my fingertips. “I love you too,” I said, no doubt in my heart. It was full to the walls with Cael. He was in my marrow and blood, my every cell. The smile that spread on his face was blinding. And he kissed me again. He kissed me so softly and thoroughly that I wondered how we would ever come up for air.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.