“We have el D?a de los Muertos, or the Day of the Dead in English,” Jade said. “I’m Mexican, and this is one of our main traditions. It’s a joyful celebration of those we have lost. We remember them fondly and celebrate the life they lived. It’s meant to be uplifting. And it is. It helps take the ache of grief and turn it into a celebration of the lives of the people we loved most. It’s one of my favorite holidays.”
“I’d love to see that one day,” Lili said and embraced Jade in a hug. They were fast becoming best friends, and I hoped they held on to one another even after this trip was done. I was quickly realizing that having people to talk to, people who had traveled the same rocky road of grief as me, was immeasurable. They just understood. You didn’t need to explain that a part of your soul was missing, because theirs was too.
“I headed up a fundraiser to place a memorial plaque in our town,” Travis said. “A place where my friends and classmates will always be remembered. A place where we, who have lost them, can go and just feel them around us again.”
“That was beautiful,” Leo said.
I felt my heart beat faster. I was still not great with sharing, but I said, “I’m going to Harvard. Pre-med.” Cael looked over at me and I could see the interest in his face. “My sister, Poppy. She died of Hodgkin lymphoma. She was seventeen. My dream is to become a pediatric oncologist.” I met Cael’s eyes when I said, “I want to help children just like her. I want to honor her memory by helping beat or treat this disease in whatever way I can.” I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Or even just help those who can’t be saved pass pain-free and in the most dignified way possible.”
“Baby,” Cael said and kissed my lips. Since the night Cael had told me about his brother, we had become even more inseparable, like that night had fused us together permanently, two halves of soulmates made whole. We carried each other through our pain. We talked about whatever was on our minds. Sometimes that was our siblings, but other times it was any number of things. He’d even spoken more about his love of hockey, which I knew was a huge step for him. It hadn’t occurred to me to share what I wanted to do at college.
“That’s such a noble way to honor Poppy, Savannah,” Mia said and I felt my cheeks blaze at her compliment.
“Cael?” Leo said. Cael’s hand went rigid in mine. He never participated in these sessions. He was doing better, spoke to Leo more in one-on-one sessions, but there was still a dark cloud that hovered over his head. I worried about him a lot. All our grief journeys were roller-coaster rides. But I felt his was more tumultuous than most.
Cael was silent as always. Leo went to move on to Dylan, when Cael said in a rasped voice, “I wanted to keep playing hockey. Like we had intended to do together. In his honor, but …” He trailed off and shook his head, a clear sign that he was done.
But he had spoken. He had contributed to the group and spoken of his brother to the others.
I was so proud of him I could burst.
“One day at a time, son,” Leo said, and I caught the emotion lacing his voice too.
I leaned in close to Cael and said, “I’m so proud of you. I love you.” Cael wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I felt him trembling slightly, but I wouldn’t mention it. That admission had cost him dearly. But he had done it.
“Dylan?” Mia said, and there was silence from beside me. Dylan shook his head. I frowned at my friend. He was normally forthcoming about losing Jose. Though I thought back to what Cael had said about his brother.
Hiding his pain with loud laughs and wide smiles. I wondered if Dylan was the same.
A flare of panic sparked in my chest for my friend. Not long afterward, the table split to head to bed. Cael was walking me to my room when I caught sight of Dylan in the courtyard of our hotel, looking at a conceptual marble statue in the center of a huge water feature. He was alone. He was curled inward. And he looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.
I turned to Cael. “I’ll say goodnight here.” Cael looked over my head. He must have seen Dylan looking broken too.
“Okay,” he said and kissed me. “Night, Peaches.” He walked away and I followed the stone path to where Dylan sat. He looked up as I sat down. The sound of the water from the fountain was soothing, the night birds singing from the surrounding trees a heavenly soundtrack to the balmy breeze.
“Are you okay?” I asked and Dylan sat back against the bench. His gaze was focused on the water feature, but I could tell by the glazed look that he was lost to his thoughts. I placed my hand over his. Dylan’s head tipped down in that direction. It was a couple of minutes later when he said, “Jose wasn’t just my best friend.” His voice was barely audible. But I heard him, and I heard the pain that was etched in his every word.
I stayed silent, letting him speak uninterrupted. Dylan sighed, and his exhale was shaky. He tipped his head back, and a tear trickled from the corner of his eye. “I had to see him buried, all the people at the funeral believing he was only my best friend.” Dylan finally looked at me, his amber eyes haunted. “The truth is, Sav, that he was my everything.” Dylan’s lip trembled and I took his hand in mine, showing him without words that he could say anything to me. I would always keep his confidence.
“We met in elementary school,” he said, and the corner of his lip tugged northward in fondness. “We were instant best friends. Inseparable. We lived on the same street. Our families became close friends too. It was perfect.” He paused, and his hand tightened in mine.
“When we hit high school, I hated myself. Because somewhere along the line, or maybe from the start, I fell hopelessly in love with him.” I wanted to wrap Dylan in my arms, but I also needed to give him the time to release this secret that he had buried down deep.
“I was scared to let him see it. I checked my every move around him just in case I touched him for too long. In case he saw how beautiful I thought he was.” Dylan huffed out a laugh. “He called me on it, of course. Asked me why I was being so weird. That was Jose. Honest to the point of brutalness.” Dylan shrugged. “I tried to avoid his incessant questioning, until I couldn’t take it anymore and blurted out that I loved him.”
I smiled when Dylan did. “Turned out, he loved me too. We knew our families wouldn’t approve, so we kept it to ourselves. And we loved each other in secret. Made plans to leave our hometown when we were older so we could be together without shame.” Dylan met my eyes. “I was never ashamed of our love, Sav. He was the best person in the world and when he died, I cursed the universe for taking him from me before we even had a chance to love freely, openly. And I had to stand at his wake and listen to everyone telling me how good of a friend I was to him.” Dylan clenched his jaw. “I wanted to shut them all up and tell them he was my soulmate and that we loved one another so much that sometimes my heart ached when we were apart for only a few minutes.”
Dylan grew even more somber. I knew whatever he was about to say was going to break him in two. “One totally normal morning, he was knocked over by a car as he crossed a road. Drunk driver. He died later that day from his injuries in the hospital. I wasn’t allowed in the room because I wasn’t family.” His voice cracked. “But he was my family. He was my entire world, and I was his.”
His breath hitched as he choked back his tears. “When they told me he’d gone, I had to pretend that he hadn’t taken my entire heart with him. I had to tell people I missed my best friend, not my boyfriend. Although ‘boyfriend’ never seemed enough to describe what he was to me. He was my reason for breathing. And I’ve had to mourn him in silence ever since. In private. It’s excruciating.”
His tears fell then, exorcizing the secret grief that had been consuming him. Dylan turned to me. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told that to.”
“I’m honored,” I said, and this time I did wrap him in my arms. He fell willingly, just waiting for someone to catch him. I couldn’t imagine having to hide your grief in this way. How unfair life was sometimes, that Dylan and
Jose had had to hide their love for fear of disapproval or worse. How he had to hide who Jose truly was to him when he wanted to scream it out loud.
“I’m so sorry, Dylan,” I said, and he nodded against my shoulder. The sound of the water from the water feature cocooned us.
Dylan reared back. He wiped his eyes. “When we were talking about honoring our lost loved ones tonight, I couldn’t participate. How could I? No one even knew about us. And I’m terrified to say it out loud.”
“You have now,” I said, and Dylan’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You’ve shared your truth with me. You’ve told someone that you loved him romantically. You’ve unburdened yourself from your secret. In turn, you’ve unburdened Jose too.”
A glint of relief flitted across Dylan’s handsome face. “I’m not ready to come out yet,” he said, sadness lacing every word. “My family … they won’t accept it. They won’t accept me. And right now, they’re all I have. I can’t lose them too.”
I thought about what Cael had told me about grief having no timeline. I hadn’t walked in Dylan’s shoes and could never understand the level of his struggle, but I thought the advice was perhaps relatable. “I don’t have any experience in this, Dylan, and I’m unsure if I even have anything worth saying. But I’m sure that when you come out, if you ever choose to come out, it will be on your own terms. Whenever you’re ready.” Dylan squeezed my hand, and I hoped to God I was saying the right thing. “If you never tell anyone outside of me who Jose was to you, I believe that is okay too. This is your journey, Dylan. Your life. You only owe it to yourself how you live it.”
“Thank you,” he said and stared back at the water feature. His face crumbled like he was in physical pain. “I miss him, Sav. I miss him so much that some days I’m not sure I’ll be able to survive it.”
I hugged his arm to me, holding him close. “My sister Poppy,” I said and steadied my nerves. “She had a childhood sweetheart when she passed. His name is Rune. They were like you and Jose, best friends turned boyfriend and girlfriend.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “When Poppy died, Rune was completely broken.”
“What’s he like now?” Dylan asked.
I thought of Rune visiting her grave, the tears he shed. How he would talk to my sister like she was sitting right there beside him. I thought of all the pictures he pinned on her grave, of places he’d seen, adventures they should have been on together, but now he would travel alone.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.