Then the last member of our traveling circus arrives. Care to hazard a guess?
“Yo, party people in the house! Who’s ready to rock?!”
Yep-it’s the douche bag. For Kate’s sake, I try not to hate him as much as I used to-but some things just can’t be helped. It’s like when you have the tail end of a cold and one loogie hangs on to back of your throat. You cough, you hawk, but no matter what you do, you just can’t fucking get rid of it.
That’s Billy Warren. My personal, annoying ball of phlegm.
Kate and Dee-Dee squeal and hug the dumbass.
He hugs them back. “I’ve missed you guys.”
Kate says, “But you didn’t have to fly all the way out here. You could have just met us in Vegas.”
“And miss the preparty? No way.”
I was hoping his plane would get hijacked by bloodthirsty terrorists. The kind that like to cut off body parts and FedEx them back to the family, one by one. Oh, well. There’s always the return flight. It’s important to stay positive about these things.
His attention turns toward me. His eyes look me up and down stiffly. “Evans.”
I raise my chin. “Warren.”
He turns around and zeroes in on James. Warren scoops him up and exclaims, “What are you feeding this kid, Kate? He’s so much bigger than the last time I saw him.”
Yeah. Shocking. ‘Cause babies don’t usually grow or anything.
Moron.
“I brought you presents, tadpole. A shiny, noisy set of drums. You’re gonna freak when you see it.”
James giggles. To the casual observer, it might seem that my son is actually fond of the fuckface. But I know better. Animals can sense when a person’s a few cards shy of a full deck. When they’re on the lower end of the bell curve. Kids can do that too. James doesn’t like Warren-he pities him. Because he knows that, even at two years old, he’s smarter than Jackass can ever hope to be.
As the small talk builds to a crescendo, Kate and I look over the seating chart one more time. I put my arm around her just because she’s mine. Her eyes are soft and her voice is velvet as she sighs, “Seven more days. About this time next week, I’ll be putting my dress on.”
It’s the one thing that’s been kept confidential. Strictly off-limits. “Can’t I have a hint? Will there be cleavage? Is it satin? Lace?” I wiggle my eyebrows. “Latex?”
She shakes her head.
“Just tell me you didn’t pick some old-fashioned, frilly getup that makes you look like a yeti.”
She chuckles. “I’ll never tell. But . . . feel free to try and torture the information out of me. By any means necessary.”
Several ideas come to mind. Each with the potential of earning me a front-row seat in hell. Possibly a jail cell. “God, I love the way you think.”
My sister’s voice drags me from my sinful musings. “Oh-I’ve been meaning to tell you two-we have a problem with table forty-five. A guest hasn’t responded yet.”
She picks up her trusty clipboard. “He’s . . . Brandon Mitchell . . . Delores’s stepbrother. He may or may not be bringing a plus one.”
Delores’s mother got married last summer to some cop from their hometown. It figures that only a man professionally trained in firearms and self-defense would be brave enough to tie the knot with Amelia Warren.
I turn on Delores. “Again with your fucking family. What is it with you people? You’re like King Midas in reverse-everything you touch turns to shit.”
She argues, “Brandon is not my family.”
For once my sister and I are on the same page. She waves her finger in Dee-Dee’s face. “Oh, yes, he is. His father married your mother-that makes him yours. If we have to claim Great-Aunt Clara, you have to own up to this Mitchell clown.”
Great-Aunt Clara is my grandmother’s stepsister, on my mother’s side. She’s like a thousand years old. The kind of relative we only wheel out of the nursing home once or twice a year for big events. Clara loves to dance, and even for an ancient she can move pretty well.
The things is-since she was born a century ago, when women couldn’t vote or show ankle skin-Clara’s a big fan of women’s liberation. So she refuses to wear a bra.
Ever.
And her breasts are massively huge. Heavy-like dry-cement-stuffed balloons. They should be classified as deadly weapons.
At James’s christening? Clara was getting down on the dance floor to the latest Rihanna song. She lifts her arms, spins around . . . and nails my best client’s teenage son in the head with her left tit.
The kid was out cold for ten minutes. Thankfully, his parents chose not to sue.
Kate steps between us, hands up, into the line of fire. “Okay, everyone, let’s just all take a step back. Dee, call your mom and have her lean on Brandon.”
Delores does as she’s told. But I go on, “Yeah-lean on him hard. Or he’ll be eating dinner in the parking lot with the valets.”
Kate’s hand snakes around my back, tracing soothing lines under my T-shirt. “Relax, Drew. It’s not that big a deal.”
Her touch is soft-skin on skin. It feels like a double dose of Valium: instantly calming. My voice holds considerably less heat as I tell her, “This day is going to be goddamn magical. No way I’m letting an honorary Warren mess with it-even if it’s just the seating arrangement.”
She turns into me, and her arms climb up around my neck. “Are you going to show up at the church?”
I tilt my head back so I can look in her eyes. “Wild lions couldn’t keep me away.”
“And . . . at some point . . . will we become husband and wife?”
“That’s the plan.”
She reaches up on her toes and brushes her lips with mine. Once. Twice. “Then it’ll be perfect.”
Dee-Dee closes her cell and announces, “My mother says Brandon’s coming, but he’s not bringing a date.”
Alexandra amends her list and removes the question-mark chair from the model. Then she beams. “There. Crisis averted. I just need to adjust the number of favors and we’re good to go.”
Dee’s eyes go wide. “Oh, I almost forgot!” She rummages around in her shiny metallic shoulder bag, then raises her arms in victory. “Party favors!”
Fisted in Delores’s hands are a dozen lollipops. Each about ten inches long.
In the shape of a dick.
She hands a few to my mother. “Here you go, Anne. Just because you’re not partaking in the festivities doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a treat.” Then she adds with a wink, “Vanilla and chocolate. Yum.”
My mother turns the confection around with a mischievous smile and playful glint in her eyes. Then she puts it on the counter. “Thank you, Dee-Dee. I’ll save these for after dinner.”
My father grins. Broadly.
Great. Now I’m stuck with the image of my sweet, saintly mother sucking down a cock-pop while my old man watches. There’s an excellent chance I’ll never get a boner again.
Fucking Delores.
Okay, the boner thing is an exaggeration, but still-do you see why I can’t stand her? Her and her whole demon family tree. My best friend couldn’t marry a normal girl, could he? No-he had to fall for the Bride of Chucky incarnate.
The phone rings. It’s the doorman letting us know the limo’s here. Everyone files out the door as my parents spread around the hugs and well-wishing.
I snatch James back from Warren for a final farewell.
We’re lucky-James is not one of those clingy, whiny little bastards who lose their mind when Mommy walks out the door. Even so-good-byes are never fun.
Kate kisses his cheek and pushes his hair back from his eyes. “We love you, baby. We’ll be home soon.”
I kiss his head. Then I ask the stupidest question ever. “Are you gonna be good for Grandma and Pop?”
He looks at me sideways. And grins. “No.”
I shrug toward Kate. “Well, at least he’s honest.”
Chapter 5
I’m not a big fan of air travel. For several reasons. First, there’s the pilot. You can never be sure he knows what the hell he’s doing. Maybe he got his license from a Cracker Jack box. Maybe his daddy made a generous donation to his flight school.
If I want to put my life in jeopardy? I’ll ask my sister if she’s gained weight.
Then there’s the charade of it. No matter how many people those security agents feel up, no matter how many bags those former McDonald’s employees search? If somebody really wants to do some damage? Eventually, he will. The airlines should be up-front about it. Like those SWIM AT YOUR OWN RISK signs at the beach. When the desk agent hands you the boarding pass, he or she should say, “Hold on, pray your ass doesn’t get blown up, have a nice flight.”
Would that really be so bad?
Finally, there’s the doom-and-gloom certainty that if something-even accidentally-does go wrong? You’re toast. I know what the statistics say-that you’re more likely to get into a car accident, blah, blah¸ blah. But here’s the thing-lots of people who’ve had auto collisions have walked away without a scratch. Now tell me how many people you know who’ve gotten out of a plane wreck unscathed?
Exactly.
Still-I don’t let those worries interfere with my life. They don’t get in the way. At all. Because fear doesn’t make a coward-actions do. I’m a lot of things, but a chickenshit isn’t one of them. And I have to admit, even though it’s not my favorite thing to do, there used to be benefits to flying.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.