“He said he’d try to get a flight out in the next week so he can make it for the shower. Logan is hooking him up with one of the apartments they lease for players when they need a place to stay, said they may have him run some sort of clinic for the players or something so he could get it cleared.”
She stood from the ottoman. “Well, if he’s going to be here for that shower, then the blue dress won’t cut it.”
“Thank you.”
“But we also don’t want wallpaper dress.”
I rolled my eyes as she started digging through the pile that I’d brought into the room.
“Oh, yeah,” she said. Then held the hanger on her pointer finger. “This one.”
“Yeah?”
Claire nodded. “Definitely.”
I touched the hem of the dress with a tiny smile. When I did, Little Cabbage did a massive somersault that knocked my breath away.
“Whoa,” I gasped, rubbing over an elbow or knee or something. Claire pressed her hand down on the spot with a grin.
“See? Cabbage Patch agrees with me.” She leaned down. “Don’t forget, I’m your favorite aunt, okay?”
* * *
Jude
“Bloody fucking bollocks, this is stupid.”
The soothing voice came through my car’s Bluetooth system. “It’s okay to be nervous about this, it’s a big deal.”
“Don’t coddle me right now, all right? I need you to tell me I’m not about to walk into a trap.”
My therapist—whose number I’d gotten from Declan—did not make me lay on a couch, but he did make me talk about my feelings, and often in the past four weeks, I’d hated him for it.
“From what you’ve told me, I don’t believe you’re walking into a trap.” I could hear the smile in his voice, the wanker, and I wanted to punch him for convincing me this was a good idea.
I yanked my car to the side of the country road, staring out the windshield at the rolling green hills and hedges. “I’m not ready.”
“Talk to me about what changed then, Jude.” He was always so bloody patient. “Yesterday when we met, you’d had a good talk with your brother and a good phone call with your parents. Based on what you talked about with both of them, you told me you were ready to go out to the farm.”
I gripped the steering wheel until I could’ve sworn my knuckles were going to pop out of my skin. “Yeah, it was easy to say I was ready while sitting in your bloody beige office with your soothing music and fucking oils in the air making me relaxed.”
“What’s scaring you right now?”
I pinched my eyes shut. I hated that question. For the past four weeks, twice a week, he’d asked me all these blasted questions that I hated answering. Sometimes more than others.
“Right now? How much I want to punch something.”
He chuckled. “Fair enough. But you aren’t punching anything, which is excellent. What else?”
Blowing out a hard breath, I finally opened my eyes. “I’m afraid that I’ll go to the farm, and it’ll be just like the last time I saw them at the pub. My dad will say something awful like he did, and I’ll lash out like I did, and we’ll be right back where we fucking started.” I slammed my palm against the steering wheel. My heart was ramming against my chest like I’d just run for a bloody hour. “And if that happens, then all of this was a waste, and Lia was right that I don’t know how to talk about shit, and I’ll never change, and the woman I love and my child will be halfway across the world, happy without me, and I’ll be empty and alone with no one to talk to about anything because I’ve shown over and over that I don’t need it when I really do.”
The car was deathly quiet at my admission. I could hardly believe I’d admitted anything that big.
Quietly, thoughtfully, he hummed. “Bravo, Jude. Excellent.”
I ran a hand down my face. “Bloody hell,” I muttered. “I feel like you just yanked my guts out.”
He laughed. “I didn’t do anything but ask a few questions. The truth is that you already have changed. You’re seeking help in seeing the damage that your parents have inflicted, that you’ve inflicted in turn. You’ve recognized that Lia’s absence, her ability to walk away for the health and well-being of your child and your ability to parent that child in a healthy way, is a boundary she needed to erect in order for you to seek that change.”
My head dropped back on the driver’s seat, something unlocking in my chest. A pressure eased that I hadn’t even been aware of, even though I’d probably been carrying it around for half my life.
“I know. But it’s still not a choice I would’ve made.”
“No, but think about what you can choose within this situation.”
I rubbed my forehead.
“Jude,” he continued, “you can’t force your parents to change any more than Lia can force you to change. You can choose to work on these things. So can they. It’s all connected. But if your parents are willing to try, then there’s hope. Maybe that’s the reason Lia and this child are in your life.”
His words, even though they were freeing, unraveled a domino effect inside me. I missed her so bloody much and seeing her was just out of reach. My flight for Seattle left the next morning, and this stop was something I had to do before I attempted anything else with Lia.
Terror and hope were so inextricably entwined, and I’d never been so fully aware of it until I was on the cusp of everything I wanted.
A life with Lia, if she’d still have me, gave me so much hope, but I couldn’t really achieve it until I faced this monster, one that was partially of my own creation.
“I can do this,” I said quietly.
“You are doing this,” he affirmed.
“Thank you, Kendrick.” I grinned even though he couldn’t see me. “You’re not so bad.”
“High praise indeed. Send me an email if you need to schedule a session while you’re in Seattle. We could do a virtual appointment.”
“I will.”
We disconnected the call, and even though I needed to put the car in drive and finish the rest of the five-minute drive to the farm, where my parents were expecting me, I decided to take a moment longer in the still and calm.
Glancing down at the passenger seat, I picked up the small sheep, dingy with age. But still, it was soft in my hand, and I ran my thumb over the face, imagining it in the small, uncoordinated hands of a child with Lia’s eyes and maybe my smile.
The sheep was set carefully on the dashboard of my car, a symbol guiding me forward to a place where hopefully I would find a small measure of peace in my past and establish a foothold to the future I wanted.
With a deep breath, I eased the car into drive and moved forward.
JUDE
Eyes gritty and back sore from a long day spent traveling, London to Chicago, where I spent a sleepless night waiting for the first flight out to Seattle, I wasn’t feeling my best as I approached the arrivals area at Sea-Tac airport. There would only be one person waiting for me there, and it was up in the air whether he’d greet me with polite reserve, a warm welcome, or a kick to the bollocks.
Were I in his position, it’d probably be the latter.
I didn’t have much in the way of luggage, as three large boxes of my belongings were being shipped by Rebecca, who’d made me swear a blood oath that I’d do a FaceTime with her when the baby was born. And I felt like that was a good thing when I turned the corner and saw Logan Ward for the first time.
He was tall—taller than me—and solid muscle, arms crossed forbiddingly over his massive chest. His eyes were shaded, a Washington hat pulled low over his forehead. I found myself swallowing heavily as I approached. We were interrupted briefly, a pause button on our little showdown, when a small boy approached him.
Logan softened immediately, the change in him so profound that I blinked. He crouched down with a smile and shook the boy’s hand after they exchanged brief, quiet conversation, then allowed a picture when the boy’s mother asked for it. The whole thing lasted only a minute, just a shade more, but it established an immediate kinship.
His grin was wry as he stood back up. “Never know when that’ll happen, do we?”
“We don’t.” I held out my hand, and immediately, he took it. His grip was firm but not overbearing, and I breathed just a tad easier that he’d decided against the kick in the bollocks. “I appreciate you being willing to pick me up.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.