It’s not a switch that flips off and on. I’m allowed to be hurt. All of this is easier said than done. The part of me that has been an impenetrable force out of necessity argues with the side that encourages me to be vulnerable.
They had so many of my firsts, and when I gave them my heart, they crushed it.
Like I didn’t matter.
Like my feelings were theirs to play with.
Like I’m worthless.
My ire grows and is on the precipice of boiling over.
“Out of your head, Ry, and let’s watch a movie,” Shay coaxes.
Agreeing, I pack my intrusive thoughts into a box and shove it into the back of my mind.
The guys have had too much of my headspace for one day.
ROWAN
October 14, 2023
Emma,
Weeks since I last held you: 16
Weeks Pregnant: 20
Baby size: Banana
Today I had to allow a venomous bitch to press her lips to my cheek while she pawed her hands all over me in front of you while I called your pussy ozone waste. It chipped another part of my heart away.
The words are never for you-they’re for her. Anything I’ve said to hurt you since the horrible day I had to announce her as our Chosen has been for her.
“Rowan. You in here, man?” Karl shouts, rapping his knuckles against my bedroom door.
He doesn’t wait for an answer before he turns the knob, and I slam my journal shut. All my words are only for her. They convey what I can’t say out loud.
It started a week after she was gone. I could still smell her on my pillow. I stare at the drawer where the ziplock bag holds the pillowcase.
“Didn’t you hear me calling you?” Karl asks, standing in the doorway.
I pull my eyes from the brown leather-bound journal, turning to peer at him. “Sorry, I was focused on something. I didn’t hear you. What’s up?”
He doesn’t attempt to see what I’m doing. He already knows- they all do. “Liam wants to meet before the party starts.”
“I’ll be down in fifteen.”
Karl nods, then closes my door.
Spinning back around, I open to the page bookmarked and pick up where I left off.
Every part of me aches for you-wanting nothing more than to fist your hair and make you a beautiful mess. My perfect dirty slut.
I don’t know if I’ll ever share this with you, but I needed a place to show you my heart beats only for you. If you can never forgive me when all of this is over, please forgive them. It was my decision to choose Samantha. And even if it’s a choice I’d make every time, I’m destroyed knowing it hurt you.
Love Always,
Rowan
Song: Sad Beautiful Tragic- Taylor Swift
Inhaling, I place my pen down and close my eyes. I try to make peace with who I’ve had to be to Emma, knowing she may never forgive me. Even when she discovers it was all to keep her safe and save Karl, I don’t see how she’ll ever look at me the same.
My dreams are haunted by the pained look on her face each time one of us does something. I only find solace in the fact it’s almost over. Teagan has found a way into the device. Now, she’s working tirelessly to develop a code to override the chip in Karl’s arm. We’re so close I can almost taste Emma’s skin.
Standing, I open my wall safe and place the journal back inside. The lock engages, sealing my private thoughts behind biometric security features. Then I walk over to my bed, tempted to pull out the pillowcase, but I know I’m short on time. Instead, I leave my room and head for Liam’s.
Once I’m seated, he begins. “We’ll all start off here tonight. We need Samantha to remember seeing all of us. Once the party gets crowded, Sebastian, Karl, and I will go to the Fraternitas and meet with Mrs. Davenport.”
“Why don’t I get to stay here,” Karl inquires, sulking.
Liam doesn’t skip a beat. “You’ll kill Samantha if you’re here. There’s no way she’ll behave with an audience this big, knowing we’re being forced to make it appear as if she’s our actual fianc?e.”
When I look, Karl’s guilt is written all over his devilish grin.
“Exhibit A,” Sebastian jests.
Huffing, Karl mumbles but agrees.
“I’ll have a feed of the party up the whole time. All rooms upstairs will be locked, and we’ll have security guarding the basement and stairway,” Liam explains.
“Can’t let anyone in your torture room,” August snorts.
“Weren’t you and Karl both down there just this morning adding knives, bodily fluids, and random monster dildos?” Liam quips.
August shrugs. “All the monster-romance girlies swear by monster peen, but something tells me being railed by a fourteen-inch centaur cock will not be the highlight of any person we deploy our zesty interrogation tactics on.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.