Our hope is that we only have to cause you temporary pain. Something we’ll gladly spend the rest of our lives making it up to you.
Rowan
Song: If I Would’ve Known- Kyle Hume
Iwant to rage at the words on the page. Karl was missing, and no one wanted me to know for my safety. Why does everyone try to treat me like antique porcelain? I won’t crumble into dust at a soft breeze.
Throwing the covers off my legs, I head to the bathroom, shower, dress, and pull out my floor mat. I need to release the anxious energy coursing through my body.
Karl was fucking missing.
The empty look in his eyes on the first day of classes catapults to the front of my mind.
Secrets abound.
Everyone is hiding something from me under the guise of protection.
Inhaling, I suck in a lungful of air through my nose and expel it out through my mouth. Then, I begin my stretches. With each roll of my head, I can feel the tightness between my shoulders loosen.
“My girl, what are you doing out of bed? Go find your zen under the covers, ” Shay chides, breaking my focus.
“I’m doing Tai Chi Chuan, bitch. You’re in a completely wrong country.”
She cuts her eyes at me. “Well, you can Namaste and stay inna yuh bed.”
“Once again, correct continent but wrong country,” I snort, shaking my head as she sits on my couch. “What are you doing here so early?” I ask, peering at the clock on my wall.
“I know Karl gave you their journal, and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she states, wringing her wrists. Something she does when she’s nervous about something.
Pausing mid-stretch, I study her. There’s a furrow between her brows, and she’s gnawing her bottom lip. “What is it?”
Never one to mince words, Shay’s soft brown eyes lock with mine. “I knew the guys weren’t really with Samantha. Sebastian came to visit me while I was recovering.” She stands. “Don’t worry, I chewed him and all the guys a new asshole, but once I knew they had to choose that dutty hole gal in order to save Karl, I agreed not to tell you. We both know you would’ve never stayed away if you knew.”
The more she speaks, the wider my eyes open.
She’s known.
Why didn’t she tell me?
Shay’s been at my side since the beginning. I open my mouth to get answers, but she holds up her index finger, signaling me to wait.
“I need to get this out. I know you have questions and probably feel betrayed, but Ry, I promise it’s not that. Just let me finish.”
Nodding, I plop down on my mattress and listen. She shares everything from the beginning. How much she’s known but couldn’t tell me. Shay’s father’s side of the family has been in Calloway for a long time, but her mother is a transplant. Which means stricter rules govern them.
“I was on thin ice from everything I’d helped you with since moving here,” she confesses.
Massaging the knot in my left shoulder, I try to process everything she’s telling me. I don’t want to believe that the girl who’s become a sister to me only got close to me because she was ordered to.
So much for lowering my stress. “Was any of it real?” I challenge, and her nose scrunches in confusion. “Our friendship,” I shout. “Was any of it real?”
Shay looks like I struck her in the heart, and I wait for her to snap back. Instead, she breathes, composing herself. “I know you’re hurting, and it feels like another betrayal from someone close to you??”
“It doesn’t feel like it. It is like it,” I hiss, cutting her off. “Let me make sure I have this right. You sent me false leads when I was trying to discover the history of the Selection and withheld vital information not once, not twice. Fuck, not even three times. It’s happened so many times I’ve lost count.”
I shoot up from my bed and pace the length of my bedroom floor.
You need to calm down. You can’t overstress, or they’ll put you back in the hospital. Remember the twins. A tear escapes, sliding down my cheek to my lips. The salty taste angers me even more. I’m so fucking emotional now. All this bullshit crying.
“Please try and understand. The friendship we have has nothing to do with the Fraternitas.
It is real. You’re the batty tuh mi bench. The ackee to my saltfish and fried dumplin,” Shay jokes, then wipes away the tears streaming in rivulets down her face with the back of her hand. “I had no choice. My mom’s position in town was on the line. I’d given you one too many clues and answered far too many questions. If I so much as breathed wrong, we’d have been exiled.”
I grit my teeth, halting my steps. She’s right. Everyone in this town is regulated by rules, both spoken and unspoken. Closing my eyes, I reign in my hurt and anger. If I were in her place and my family was hanging in the balance, there would be no hesitation. Calmer, I sigh, then open my eyes to face her. “I’m still pissed, not so much at you. The Fraternitas and every organization like it will suck your soul and sell your future generations to the highest bidder.” Walking toward her, I wrap her in a hug. At least, I try to. The beachball in front of me makes it hard to fully embrace her.
We both laugh, wiping the remnants of our tears away. “Just so you know, I had rope, duct tape, and a blindfold ready if you would’ve said you were no longer my friend,” Shay jests.
“Fucking stalker,” I quip.
Smirking, she retorts, “Hey, you never know when you might need to subdue someone. I believe in being prepared for all situations.”
“Now you just sound like August,” I tease. We both look at each other and burst into laughter.
As we sit on the couch, Shay continues to tell me everything she knows, cementing my decision. When she gets up to use the bathroom, I pull out the phone and send a text.
Me: Move forward.
Unknown: …..
I hear the sink faucet turn on and know I’m about to run out of time. Biting the inside of my cheek, I run through the plan again. So many lives will be impacted. I can only hope that when it all comes to fruition, everyone I love will be standing with me. The pipe turns off, and I start to put the phone away when another text alert sounds.
Unknown: Everything’s in place. Dispose of this phone, and we’ll be in touch when it’s time.
A Cheshire Cat grin grows on my face. Step three has begun.
After the tense conversation I had with Shay earlier and reading four more passages from Rowan’s journal, I desperately need a break from all the intense emotions. The pain and grief poured from Rowan’s words struck me at my center. I can still taste his regret in every penned word.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.