I sprint through the lobby and push the button for the elevator. But what I see when the doors open stops me cold.
It’s The Bitch, with Mackenzie at her side. And in my niece’s perfect little hands are strings. A dozen of them. Strings that are tied to balloons. Kate’s balloons.
“Fuck me.”
“Well, that’s a nice way to greet your doting sister and her daughter.”
Had I said that out loud? Doesn’t matter.
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
This is bad-very bad. Like an F-five tornado kind of bad, except my sister is capable of leaving more damage behind.
“Hi, Uncle Drew!”
I smile. “Hi, sweetheart.” Then I scowl. “What the hell did you do, Alexandra?”
Her eyes widen innocently. Like she’s surprised. “Me? I came to meet my husband for lunch. Is that a crime?”
When I was in junior high, a kid named Chris Whittle sucker punched me when I was coming out of trigonometry. I had hooked up with his girlfriend. She had talented hands.
Anyway, the next day, Alexandra paid Chris a little visit-and made him piss his pants.
Literally.
See, according to The Bitch Code, she can fuck with me all she wants to, but no one else is allowed. Now do you see why I’m concerned?
“You went to see Kate, didn’t you?”
Mackenzie answers for her, “We did, Uncle Drew! She’s great. Kate gave me dees balloons and a calculator! See?” She holds it over her head like it’s the Stanley Cup, and I can’t help but smile.
“That’s terrific, Mackenzie.”
Then I glare at Alexandra again.
She’s not concerned. “You said you wanted Mackenzie to meet Kate.”
If you put two pregnant hamsters in the same cage, you know what they’ll do? Eat each other. Female hormones are like undetonated warheads. There’s just no way to tell when they’re going to go the fuck off.
“Yes, I wanted Mackenzie to meet Kate. I didn’t want you meeting Kate until I was done smoothing things the hell over.”
Mackenzie takes my friend the Bad Word Jar out of her backpack and holds it up. I put two dollars in.
She sticks her face in the mouth of the jar and looks up at me with a frown. “Um…Uncle Drew? Bad words no cost one dollar no more. They cost ten.”
“Ten? Since when?”
She’s excited. “It was Kate’s idea. She say the maconomy is bad.”
What the hell is the maconomy?
“She call it in…in…”
“Inflation.” Alexandra finishes with a smile.
“Yeah, that.”
Inflation.
Great.
Thanks, Kate.
I raise my brows at Mackenzie. “Do you take American Express?” She giggles. I pay my fine in cash. “How about you add up the rest on your calculator, honey?”
She’s going to need it. I have a feeling this little discussion is going to put me in the triple digits.
“What did you say to Kate?” I ask Alexandra.
She shrugs. “We talked, one woman to another. I appealed to her business sense. It went well. You really don’t need to know all the details.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what I need to know. Considering you shouldn’t have fucking talked to her at all.”
Tap-tap-tap goes the calculator.
“Ungrateful much? I was just trying to help.”
Dr. Kevorkian was just trying to help his patients too. And we all know how they turned out.
“I don’t need your help. I have a plan.”
Alexandra’s hands go to her hips. “Right. Your master plan that entails what, exactly? Annoying Kate until she agrees to go out with you? You gonna call her names on the playground too? Pull on her braids? I have to admit, Sister Beatrice was an interesting touch. I can’t believe Kate isn’t falling on her knees, begging you to take her back after that. Very romantic, Drew.”
My jaw clenches. “It’s. Working.”
She raises a brow. “That’s not what Kate said.”
And there she is. Take a good look.
The Bitch in all her glory.
And you thought I was overreacting.
“Did she say something to you? About me? What did she say?”
She waves her hand in the air. “Oh, this and that.”
You know how some kids like to tease their dogs by showing them a bone and then yanking it away before they can bite it? My sister was one of those kids.
“Goddamnit, Lex.”
Tap-tap-tap.
“I like her, by the way,” she says. “She really doesn’t take any shit does she?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“How do you know she doesn’t take any shit?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“Did you give her shit, Lex?”
Tap-tap-tap.
“What kind of shit did you give her, Alexandra?”
Tap-tap-tap.
She laughs. “My God, would you relax. I haven’t seen you this wound up in…well, never. Now that you’re not pathetic and sad, it’s actually kind of fun.”
My status with Kate at the moment is like a house of cards. I’ve managed to build myself up a few floors, but one small tremor and the whole damn thing falls apart.
“If you fucked this up for me, I’ll-“
Tap-tap-tap.
“You know stress causes premature gray hair. If you keep this up, you’re going to look like Daddy before you turn thirty.”
“I’m glad you find this so amusing. I don’t. We’re talking about my frigging life here.”
That sobers her up. Her head tilts to the side. Appraising me. And then her voice isn’t teasing anymore.
It’s tender, sincere.
“I’m proud of you, you know. You’re sticking this out. Seeing it through. You’re…all grown up.” She smiles softly. “Never thought I’d see the day.” And then she hugs me. “It’ll be okay, Drew. Promise.”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.