And Jared…
God. I needed to tell him about the baby. Would he be able to tell something was wrong with me if I delayed?
“Listen, honey, I wanted to ask you something.”
I blinked, shifting my attention back to the call. “Okay…”
“Do you think you could talk to Penny about talking to her husband about a job? The Williamses’ son is graduating college, and he’s looking to start his career, so…”
My bathroom walls were painted a soft shade of blue. I stared at the paint, frowning, as my mother’s words sank in. “Is that why you’ve been calling me lately?”
“What? I can’t call my daughter? I need a reason?”
“Well, based on the fact that we barely speak to each other, yes,” I snapped.
“You have a lot of nerve speaking to me like that, Nikita. After everything I did for you. After everything your father did! All I ask is a tiny favor for a friend’s son, and this is how you react?”
Her tirade continued, and I pulled the phone away from my ear.
It shouldn’t have hurt so much. It shouldn’t even have been a surprise. I barely had a relationship with my mother, and I knew her calling me wasn’t just because she wanted to chat. We had nothing in common. Our bond had been severed when my father died, when she’d drowned in grief and left me to fend for myself.
But…
God, I wanted my mom. I wanted someone to turn to right now. Someone I could ask about what the hell I was supposed to do.
My mother was more concerned with impressing her neighbors and helping their kid get ahead. She would’ve never dreamed to ask anyone for a job on my behalf, her actual biological child. I was a reminder of the husband she’d lost. I was tainted.
But now I was a useful stepping stone for her to impress her friends. I wasn’t a daughter or even an actual person with feelings. I was just someone who knew Marcus Walsh. Someone who might make her look good when she went on that cruise with the neighbors.
My name echoed through the phone speakers, and I just tapped the screen to hang up the call. Then I set my phone down, turned on the shower, and stripped off the rest of my clothes. I sat on the shower floor and cried until the tears stopped, then dried myself off and went to bed. Alone.
I awoke with a sense of clarity.
Things had come to a head, and I could no longer deny it. Working for Jared while pregnant with his baby was untenable. I had to make a decision, and I had to make it now.
Roseanne Monk hadn’t officially offered me a job, and I didn’t know if I was comfortable working for her when Jared and I hadn’t been entirely honest with her about our relationship. But she had shown me that I had options. I didn’t need to stay at Branson. I had a small savings account now, and I had a lease on an apartment for the next year. I wasn’t on the brink of destitution.
I had time.
Time to figure out how I’d care for a child. Time to figure out how to tell Jared about the baby. Time to face my fears and take responsibility for my part in this.
In all my relationships, I’d been happy to be put in a box that other people defined. In some cases, like my current employment, it was spelled out in black and white. I was the companion.
But if I really was pregnant, and if I really did end up with a baby sometime next summer-to be confirmed whenever I worked up the courage to go to the doctor-then I had to start sorting my life out.
I would be a mother. And no matter what life threw at me, I wouldn’t put my kid in the same position my mother put me in. I wouldn’t let my own hang-ups cloud my judgment. I wouldn’t blame my child for my own mistakes and weaknesses.
I’d been hurt by so many people. I’d felt pushed aside. But no one could push me aside from this most important responsibility.
And the way I saw it, the first thing I had to do was extricate myself from my job at Branson. My relationship with Jared was developing quickly, but it was still clouded by the fact that he paid me to stand at his side. I didn’t want that murkiness anymore. I wanted him to want me for me. I wanted him to choose me.
For that to happen, I couldn’t work for him. There was no way of having my paycheck be contingent on my performance as his sidekick if I were to believe that he truly cared about me.
I had to quit-or at least broach the subject with him. I wouldn’t march in there and tell him I didn’t want to work for him anymore, but I would say that in order for us to continue as a couple, I couldn’t be his employee.
It was the only logical way forward.
Then, once that was settled, I could make the doctor’s appointment and figure out if I did have a baby growing in my womb. Once I confirmed it, I’d tell Jared.
First, I had to make sure that he felt the same way I did-that what was growing between us went beyond the bounds of our contract. That I was more than a companion to him. That this was real.
Only then could I face the pregnancy.
So, I dressed in my favorite navy dress with the peplum and the white piping and big cloth-covered buttons. I curled my hair and applied my makeup with deliberate care. With each swipe of my mascara brush and dab of foundation, a sense of calm settled over me.
I could do this. I might have been passed over for promotions and taken advantage of by friends and family, but I wouldn’t let myself be shunted off to the side now. If Jared truly cared about me, he’d choose me.
The company car was already waiting downstairs, as confirmed by Jared himself this morning. I nodded to Keith and got in the back seat, taking a few deep breaths to settle my nerves before heading into the office. The whole ride, I rehearsed what I’d tell Jared. I tried to play out his reaction, to predict what he’d say.
He wouldn’t be happy, but he’d come around. He’d want me to keep working for him because it was convenient to have me close, to order me around.
But he’d understand why I couldn’t keep doing that. Why I wanted more.
I had to trust in that. Had to believe it.
Otherwise, I was on my way to blowing up my entire life.
Jared’s POV
My knee bounced as I sat at my desk reviewing emails. The little clock in the corner of my screen kept drawing my eye despite my best efforts to ignore it.
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.