I kept my eyes closed, unwilling to break away from this moment. This perfect moment. Eventually, Rune lifted his head. Seeing the vulnerable expression on his face, I kissed him gently. As gently as he had taken me. As gently as he handled my fragile heart.
His arms cradled my head, keeping me safe. When I broke from the kiss, I met his loving gaze and whispered, “Kiss number eight hundred and twenty. With my Rune, on the most amazing day of my life. After we made love … My heart almost burst.”
Rune’s breath hitched in his throat. With a final brief kiss, he rolled beside me and wrapped me in his arms.
My eyes closed and I drifted off into a light sleep. So light that I felt Rune kiss me on my head then shift from the bed. As the door to the bedroom closed, I blinked in the dark room, catching the sound of the door to the terrace slipping open.
Pushing the comforter aside, I put on the robe that was hanging on the back of the door and the slippers that lay neatly on the floor. As I walked through the room, I smiled, still smelling the scent of Rune on my skin.
I entered the living room, heading in the direction of the door to outside, but immediately stopped in my tracks. Because through the wide window I could see Rune on the ground, sitting on his knees. Falling apart.
It felt as if my heart physically ripped in two as I watched him, out in the cold night air, clothed in only his jeans. Tears streamed from his eyes as his back shook with body-shuddering pain.
Tears blurred my vision as I stared at him. My Rune. So broken and alone, as he sat in the lightly falling snow.
“Rune.
Baby,” I whispered to myself as I forced my feet to the door, as I made my hand turn the handle and ordered my heart to brace itself for the grief causing this scene.
My feet crunched on the thin, crisp layer of snow beneath my feet. Rune didn’t seem to hear. But I heard him. I heard his uncontrolled breathing. But worse still, I heard his racking sobs. I heard the pain overwhelm him. I saw it in the way he lurched forward, palms planted to the floor beneath him.
Failing to hold back my cries, I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around him. His bare skin was freezing to the touch. Seeming not to notice the cold, Rune collapsed into my lap, his long, broad torso seeking the comfort of my arms.
And he broke. Rune completely broke apart: floods of tears flowed down his cheeks, coarse breaths ghosted to white puffs of smoke as they hit the freezing air.
I rocked back and forth, holding him close. “Shh,” I soothed, trying in earnest to breathe through my own pain. The pain of seeing the boy I loved falling apart. The pain of knowing I had to pass soon, yet wanting to resist home’s call with all of my heart.
I had come to terms with my fading life. Now I wanted to fight to stay with Rune,
for Rune, even knowing it was useless.
I wasn’t in control of my fate.
“Rune,” I whispered, my tears becoming lost in the long strands of his hair in my lap.
Rune looked up, his expression devastated, and asked hoarsely, “Why? Why do I have to lose you?” He shook his head and his face contorted in pain. “Because I can’t,
Poppymin. I can’t watch you leave. I can’t bear the thought of not having you like this for the rest of our lives.” He choked on a sob, but managed to say, “How can a love like ours be broken? How can you be taken away so young?”
“I don’t know, baby,” I whispered, glancing away in an effort to hold myself together. The lights of New York sparkled in my line of sight. I chased away the grief that came with his asking those questions.
“It just is, Rune,” I said sadly. “There’s no reason why it’s me. Why not me? No one deserves this, yet I have to…” I trailed off, but managed to add, “I
have to trust that there’s a bigger reason or I would crumble with the pain of leaving all I love behind.” I sucked in a breath and said, “With leaving you, especially after today. Especially after making love to you tonight.”
Rune stared into my tear-filled eyes. Gathering some composure, he got to his feet and lifted me into his arms. I was glad, because I felt too weak to move. I wasn’t sure I could have stood up from the cold, damp ground if I’d tried.
Linking my arms around Rune’s neck, I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes as he carried me back inside and back to the bedroom. Pushing the comforter back, he placed me underneath, following behind and wrapping his arms around my waist as we faced one another on my pillow.
Rune’s eyes were red, his long hair was damp from the snow and his skin was mottled with the depth of his sadness. Lifting my hand, I ran it down his face. His skin was freezing.
Rune turned his face in to my palm. “Up on that stage tonight, I knew you were saying goodbye. And I…” His voice stuck, but he coughed and finished, “It made this all too real.” His eyes glossed with new tears. “It made me realize, this was really happening.” Rune held my hand and brought it to his chest. He squeezed it tightly. “And I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe when I try to imagine living without you. I’ve tried it once, and it didn’t go well. But … but at least you were alive, out there, somewhere. Soon … soon…” He cut off his words as the tears fell. He turned his head from my gaze.
I caught his retreating cheek. Rune blinked. “Are you scared,
Poppymin?
Because I’m terrified. I’m terrified of what the hell life looks like without you.”
I paused. I truly thought about his question. And I let myself feel the truth. I let myself be honest. “Rune, I’m not scared of dying.” I ducked my head, and the pain that had never taken me before suddenly filled my every cell. I let my head drop to his and whispered, “But since I got you back, since my heart regained its beat—you—I’ve been feeling all kinds of things that I hadn’t before. I pray for more time, just so I can live more days in your arms. I pray for longer minutes so you can gift me more kisses.” Dragging in a much-needed breath, I added, “But worst of all, I’m beginning to feel fear.”
Rune inched closer, his arm tightening around my waist. I lifted my shaking hand to his face. “I feel fear over leaving you. I’m not scared of dying, Rune. But I’m terrified of going anywhere new without you.” Rune’s eyes shut and he hissed as though in pain.
“I don’t know me without you,” I said quietly. “Even when you were in Oslo, I pictured your face, I would remember how your hand felt holding mine. I would play your favorite songs and I would read the kisses in my jar. Just like my mamaw told me to. And I would close my eyes and feel your lips on mine.” I allowed myself to smile. “I would remember the night we first made love and the feeling in my heart at that moment—fulfilled … at peace.”
I sniffed and quickly wiped at my damp cheeks. “Though you weren’t with me, you were in my heart. And that was enough to sustain me, even though I wasn’t happy.” I kissed Rune’s mouth, just to savor his taste. “But now, after this time back together, it’s made me fearful. Because who are we without each other?”
“Poppy,” Rune rasped.
My tears fell with reckless abandon and I cried, “I’ve hurt you by loving you so much. And now I have to go on an adventure without you. And I can’t bear how much it hurts you. I can’t leave you so lonely and in pain.”
Rune pulled me to his chest. I cried. He cried. We shared our fears of loss and love. My fingers rested on his back and I took comfort in his warmth.
When our tears had slowed, Rune gently pushed me back and searched my face. “Poppy,” he asked huskily, “what does heaven look like to you?”
New Book: Back Home to Marry Off Myself
Loredana’s father left the family for his mistress, leaving them to fend for themselves abroad. When life was at its toughest, her father showed up with “good news” after 8 years of absence: To marry off Loredana to a paralyzed son of the wealthy Mendelsohn family.